The Anxiety of Being Gay

I grew up in a very masculine family I grew up playing hockey. All the messages that I heard from a very young age around being gay were that it's disgusting and you should feel shame for it. When I got to a place of accepting myself it really wasn't actually self acceptance it was more so self exposure. But what I accepted was the masculine parts of me that I was using to try and mitigate being gay. So I thought if I was more masculine, I'm a less of a faggot,. You know what I mean I'm less shameful and less disgusting.