Understanding Trauma and Forgiveness

Episode Highlights With Dr. Frank Anderson

• What IFS is and how it differs from other types of therapies 
• His personal trauma history that started at age 6 
• Why he isn’t a fan of differentiating “big T” and “little t” trauma
• Why don’t we need to forgive in order to heal and why he calls it the F-word
• How early childhood experiences with our caregivers can have a strong, lasting impact, even if they aren’t big moments of trauma or abuse
• Many therapies push forgiveness too early — he recommends healing and then forgiveness
• Neglect is the silent wound that can be hardest to notice and heal 
• Release the energy and the pain first and then decide about forgiveness 
• When it is ok to choose not to forgive 
• His own shocking experience with forgiveness and his dad
• Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and realizing the prisoner is yourself 
• It is hard to forgive yourself if you are holding resentment toward another person
• The four “Ts” of trauma healing: Thank, Trust, Transform, Takeback
• Releasing trauma vs. managing trauma 
• How to take back your power after you release trauma
• Our choice: repeat the pattern, repress it, or heal from it
• When we experience trauma, we experience the feeling of being the victim but also absorb the energy of the perpetrator, and when we have kids, both can show up, so when we feel hurt, we can perpetrate in the way we were perpetrated upon
• When you have an intense reaction, it is about you and not about your kid
• Every time we lose it, our kids lose a safe parent

Resources We Mention

• Dr. Frank Anderson - website
• To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation by Dr. Frank Anderson
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.