Why can losing a friendship hurt just as much as losing a romantic relationship?

When I parted ways with my co-founder, I also lost a friendship of 12 years.

It was one of the most painful things I've been through. But I minimised it. It wasn't a divorce. It wasn't romantic. So why did it hurt so much?Janet Phang is a clinical psychologist and for over 20 years she's helped people untangle their sense of self from everyone else's opinion of them.

In this final part of our 4-part series, we talk about unmet emotional needs, how to validate ourselves, people pleasing and boundaries. And the painful friendship breakups nobody prepares you for.

So I asked Janet the questions I don't usually say out loud.

Why do we only feel good about ourselves when someone else tells us we're doing well?

Why does a friendship breakup feel like it doesn't count?

And how do you actually grieve something you're not supposed to grieve?

Something Janet said made me look at friendship breakups differently.

Maybe we need to stop ranking our relationships. A friendship doesn’t matter less simply because it wasn’t romantic. If we valued someone deeply, losing them is going to hurt deeply too.

In this episode, we discuss:

Why external validation feels more powerful than validating ourselves
The real reason people-pleasing starts, and where it crosses into losing yourself
Why friendship breakups deserve the same grief as a divorce
Is there a "right" way to get closure after a relationship ends?
Why saying "I'm okay" when you're not becomes a disused skill
Self-compassion vs self-indulgence, and why they're not the same thing
How to teach your kids to validate themselves without becoming overconfident
The lie we've all been sold about "having it all"

I still catch myself comparing my life with others.

If you do that too, this one's for you.

We're not meant to have it all. We're meant to do enough.

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DISCLAIMER

This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or professional advice. Please consult a qualified professional for advice specific to your situation.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Opening

01:57 Shulin’s nightmare: Am I doing okay?

05:40 When caring becomes people-pleasing

08:23 Friendship breakups & finding closure

10:44 Losing a 12-year friendship

13:58 The first step after a breakup

16:18 “I’m okay”: Why we stop feeling

18:30 Compliments vs self-validation

22:30 Helping kids self-validate

24:18 Finite beings with infinite demands

Kiz Reacts To His TGL Departure

Fore Play

Tiger Woods’ Potential Competitive Return

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