When patients unconsciously test the analyst

Warning: this episode may contain MIND-BLOWING moments.

Stephen Grosz is a practising psychoanalyst and a personal hero of mine. He has worked with patients for more than 45 years and his first book, The Examined Life, drew on these experiences. When it was published in 2013, it caused a sensation and went straight to number one in the Sunday Times bestseller list. Since then, hundreds of thousands of readers, including me, have taken it to our hearts.

Now 12 years on from his debut, Grosz is back with Love's Labour, which asks fundamental questions around how to love and be loved in return, drawing on his almost half a century of clinical expertise.

In this episode we discuss why real love causes suffering, why failed marriages are often the best kind, the difference between surrender and submission in relationships, why loss has to be part of being human and how we can be happy. Plus: a fascinating peek into what it’s like to be a psychoanalyst when I get to ask ‘are you ever annoyed by your clients?’

✨ IN THIS EPISODE:

02:28 Understanding Attachment to Suffering

04:25 The Role of Denial in Our Lives

06:32 Failures and Self-Perception

07:23 Stephen's Childhood

21:46 The Power of Unconscious Signals

25:24 Navigating Change and Loss

26:25 The Anxiety of Letting Go

28:22 The Price of Love

29:23 Writing from the Heart

30:16 Support Systems

32:27 Family Dynamics and Psychoanalysis

36:51 Surrender vs. Submission

45:25 Understanding Pain and Grief

48:25 Final Thoughts and Farewell

💬 QUOTES TO REMEMBER:

The aim of life is to see oneself clearly, and the world clearly.

Psychoanalysis is two people not knowing - together. We have to figure it out together, and that means both of us will make mistakes and I will get it wrong.

These failures brought me embarrassment, unhappiness, and pain. I wouldn't wish them away.

Real love is going to hurt

🔗 LINKS + MENTIONS:

Stephen’s new book - Loves Labour: www.stephengrosz.com

Elizabeth’s Substack: https://theelizabethday.substack.com/

Join the How To Fail community: https://howtofail.supportingcast.fm/#content

📚 WANT MORE?

Dr Nicole LePera - The Holistic Psychologist sheds light on life’s struggles: https://link.chtbl.com/Tlf5L5Jb

Emma Reed Turrell - the psychotherapist and author joins Elizabeth to discuss people-pleasing and the art of setting boundaries: https://link.chtbl.com/zthtQyEm

Alain de Botton - the famed philosopher on how to love and be loved: https://link.chtbl.com/RBaS4VUy

💌 LOVE THIS EPISODE?

Subscribe on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts

Leave a 5⭐ review – it helps more people discover these stories

👋 Follow How To Fail & Elizabeth:

Instagram: @elizabday

TikTok: @howtofailpod

Podcast Instagram: @howtofailpod

Website: www.elizabethday.org

Substack: https://theelizabethday.substack.com/

Elizabeth and Stephen answer YOUR questions in our subscriber series, Failing with Friends. Join our community of subscribers here: howtofailpod.com

Have a failure you’re trying to work through for Elizabeth to discuss? Click here to get in touch: howtofailpod.com

Production & Post Production Coordinator: Eric Ryan

Sound Engineer: Matias Torres

Assistant Producer: Suhaar Ali

Senior Producer: Hannah Talbot

Executive Producer: Carly Maile

How to Fail is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment Production.

Find more great podcasts from Sony Music Entertainment at sonymusic.com/podcasts

To bring your brand to life in this podcast, email podcastadsales@sonymusic.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices