Exploring the Fine Line Between Need and Desire in Relationships

Ask David: Is friendship a basic human need? Lost and alone--What should I do?

#466 Ask David: Is friendship a basic human need? Lost and alone—what should I do?

The answers to today’s questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.

Today’s questions.

1. Zainab asks: Is friendship a basic human need?
2. Slash says: I’m lost and alone. I really don’t know what direction to take in my life. What should I do?

 

1. Zainab asks: Is friendship a basic human need?

Hello Dr. Burns,

I have a question that has been pestering me for years. I know you said you don't need romantic love to be happy, but I find it hard to believe that you can be happy alone without any friends. Humans are social creatures and there have been studies that said being alone is equivalent to smoking cigarettes - that's how detrimental it is to your health. Being alone can be very dangerous - that is why solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments given in prisons.

Best regards,

Zainab

David’s reply

However, the question, as I see it, would be whether adult, or romantic love as you call it, is a want or a need? Do we “need” it to feel happy?

What were your happiest moments, between 0 and 100?

I have had several incredibly happy moments that did not have anything to do with being loved or not being loved.

What, in your opinion, is the maximum happiness possible if you are alone or unloved? What, exactly, is the claim that you are making?

Have you ever intentionally spent time alone to check it out?

And if, just if, you did not “need” romantic love to feel happy, would you want to know that? Or would you prefer to insist that we “need” love for happiness, even if it isn’t true?

In my experience working with many patients, the “need” for romantic love can actually be one of the greatest causes of unhappiness, and one of the greatest barriers to love as well!

Best, david

PS Here’s another way to answer the question. What’s your definition of “need?” Or, to put it slightly differently, what is it that you think you “need” friendship for? It wouldn’t be a cup of coffee at Starbucks, for example, because anyone can walk in and purchase coffee.

And you don’t need friendship to breathe. Air is free.

And also, what, in your opinion, would be the difference between “wanting” friendship and “needing friendship?”

Also, what is your definition of “love.” Love has many meanings, and is not some precise “thing.” It’s just a word we use in a great variety of ways.

I love blueberry pie, but these days I avoid it because it is quite sweet, and I’m trying to avoid calories. I don’t “need” blueberry pie. It’s just a “nice to have” every now and then.

I promised to include the Pleasure Predicting Sheet in the show notes so you can do the experiment suggested on the podcast. So here it is!

Pleasure Predicting Sheet

Slash says: I’m lost and alone. I really don’t know what direction to take in my life! What should I do? 

Subject: Feeling Lost

Hi Dr. Burns,

I wanted to share some mixed feelings with you. Your podcasts and techniques have been very helpful, and I’m truly grateful for the comfort and hope they bring me.

I’ve been a shy, lonely person for most of my life, and only recently have I started to feel a little bit of confidence. Still, I worry a lot—just like my father. It’s 4 a.m. as I write this, and I keep asking myself, What should I do with my life? Sometimes I dream about learning music, sometimes I think about getting a job, but whenever I try, my anxiety takes over and I step back.

I often see myself as someone carrying many kinds of anxiety—social anxiety, constant worrying, nervousness about driving, blood phobia, and even anxiety that comes out of nowhere. I’ve also learned from you that hidden emotions can be powerful, and I’m beginning to notice that in myself.

Sometimes I go out with my friends, enjoy the moment, and feel lighter. But when I come back and look at my father, my uncle, and my grandfather, I feel a wave of sadness again. My father struggles with anxiety, my uncle (who once lived bold and fearless) now has schizophrenia and cannot work, and my grandfather, at 88 years old, still travels in crowded buses to support the family. Their struggles weigh on my heart, and I often feel I’m not doing anything meaningful in comparison.

Sometimes I even find myself seeing you as a grandfather figure, because your words carry so much wisdom and kindness. It feels strange to say, but I really don’t know what direction to take in my life.

If you could share even a little guidance, I would be deeply grateful.

Warmly,

Slash

David’s response

We can include this in an Ask David podcast if you like! Please advise. Warmly, david

We can use your first name or a fake name, whatever you prefer.

Matt, Rhonda, and David