Understanding the Nice Guy Stereotype in Dating

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The Learning Leader Show with Ryan Hawk

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Guest: Blaine Anderson is a dating coach and matchmaker. She’s helped more than 3,000 happy clients attract and build long-term relationships. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and she earned a deal with Mark Cuban on Shark Tank.

Notes:

• Someone asked Charlie Munger… How do I get a great wife? Deserve one. The best way to find a good spouse is to deserve one, he often said. In business, this translates to working hard and behaving with integrity consistently over time. “To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want.”
• What is the #1 reason you don’t get a second date? You talk about yourself too much. 
  • When you go out to eat with someone, what percentage of the time are you talking? Aim to talk 30% and listen 70%. The reason we don’t get the second date or the follow-up meeting with the prospect is because we are talking too much.
  • Pull conversational threads: Avoid rapid-fire questioning by following up on answers with related questions. Share brief personal connections to create dialogue rather than interrogation. "You want to pull the conversational thread... ask a follow-up question about that same thing. That's where you can start having a conversation."
• Marketing your trajectory matters: People want to know you're going places. Share your goals, dreams, and aspirations authentically to demonstrate upward momentum. "You want to find the balance of sharing things about yourself that indicate you are on an upward trajectory... from a place of getting to know one another."
• Nice guys need boundaries: Being overly accommodating to people you barely know signals weakness. Hold boundaries and don't put others before yourself too quickly. "The general problem with the nice guy is he's putting other people before himself, including people he doesn't know very well."
• Confidence must be genuine: Authentic confidence comes from actually becoming confident through mastery, not just faking body language. Get genuinely good at something. "You have to become that... get really good at something... picking something in your life and getting really good at it is gonna help you build confidence."
• Don't rush to the close: Whether in dating or sales, focus on building connection and trust before asking for commitment. The close is the period at the end of a long sentence. "If you approach a woman or you approach a deal and you're just trying to get to the final step... you're going to rush through a lot of the important and essential steps."
• High-value people are in demand: Present yourself as someone others want to be around. People are naturally drawn to those who appear sought-after by others. "We want the thing that's in demand. We want the thing that other humans recognize as high value."
• Genuine curiosity creates connection: Being authentically interested in others' experiences is a powerful form of respect and love. Ask questions that take conversations deeper. "Your underlying emotion is important... becoming a genuinely curious person who is interested in meeting another human."
• Physical fitness affects confidence: Looking and feeling good about yourself impacts how you show up in every interaction. Invest in your physical health. "You gotta feel good about how you look... who wants to partner up with a slug? Nobody."
• "You should always be dating your partner, whether it's your first date, your 40th date, or you've been married for 40 years."'
• "The close is the period at the end of a very long sentence."
• "Deserve one." - Charlie Munger's advice on getting a great spouse
• Women want 3 things - social status, to be desired, flirty/fun… They want an optimist.
• If things aren’t going well, look in the mirror. Take accountability.
• Her Twitter profile picture. Show the whites of your eyes. Smile. She has two tattoos. Omega is her middle name. Cactus for Tucson, AZ.
• How to build genuine confidence? Get good at something. Become an expert. Work really really hard. Be in great physical shape. It’s hard to be confident if you don’t like how you look. Sounds harsh, but it’s true. Confidence comes from evidence. Create some evidence for youself by consistently working hard and getting great at something. That confidence will ooze out of you wherever you go.
• Shark Tank. Scary, anxious, nervous. Did a deal with Mark Cuban.
• Advice - If you’re building a business, listen to what your customers want. What does your ideal client want? Build that.