How to Elicit the Worst Message About the Self

Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.

Summary:
This episode of "Push the Leading Edge" focuses on Stage 2, Step 5 of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), specifically exploring the concept of "Deadly Attachment Messages" (DAMs) and their role in deepening therapeutic work. Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Rana discuss how therapists can help clients access and process their most painful, internalized beliefs about themselves—beliefs that often drive protective behaviors in relationships. The episode emphasizes the importance of staying with clients in these vulnerable places, facilitating experiential change, and preparing for partner acceptance and new ways of reaching for needs. The hosts also share practical tips, personal experiences, and resources for therapists seeking to improve their EFT practice.

Top 10 Points:

1. **EFT Intensives Resource**: The hosts highlight EFT intensives available in Northwest Arkansas, recommending them as valuable resources for therapists and couples. intensives@thejoshuacenter.com. 

2. **Upcoming SV Focus Lab**: Announcement and encouragement to attend the SV Focus Lab in September 2025, focusing on therapeutic pivots.

3. **Stage 2 Overview**: Stage 2 in EFT is about restructuring the bond by helping the more withdrawn partner re-engage vulnerably, followed by work with the pursuing partner to soften their approach.

4. **Step 5 Focus**: Step 5 is the most intra-psychic part of EFT, where therapists help clients access the deep, painful beliefs about themselves that have developed from negative cycles.

5. **Deadly Attachment Messages (DAMs)**: DAMs are the core negative beliefs clients hold about themselves (e.g., "I'm unlovable," "I'm stupid"), often rooted in both relationship dynamics and personal history.

6. **Stage 1 vs. Stage 2 DAMs**: In Stage 1, DAMs are often externalized (what the partner thinks of them), while in Stage 2, the focus shifts to when clients start to believe these messages about themselves.

7. **Experiential Depth**: Effective Step 5 work requires therapists to stay with clients in their pain, facilitating deep limbic (emotional) experiences rather than just cognitive insight.

8. **Therapist’s Role**: Therapists must be willing to "walk into the darkness" with clients, maintaining a non-anxious, present stance to help clients feel safe enough to explore their deepest fears.

9. **Partner Acceptance and Reaching for Needs**: After accessing DAMs, the process moves toward helping the partner accept these vulnerable parts and supporting the client in reaching for comfort and connection.

10. **Patience and Repetition**: Deepening and accessing DAMs is a repetitive, patient process—therapists may need to revisit and assemble the experience multiple times before clients can fully articulate and share their pain.

Let me know if you’d like a more detailed breakdown of any specific section!

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We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples.

 Stay connected with us:

• Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge
• Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website
• James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com
• George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com

If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV).

Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!