So I present to you Mel Robbins. Bye. Mel Robbins, it is so exciting to have you here.

Thank you for inviting me to be here with you. Thank you for inviting me into your home.

Hussy house.

Hussy house. Yeah. Well, I got to say something. Hussy house sounds like something illegal. That's

why I like it. I like that it makes people slightly uncomfortable. Yes. Well, that's good. Yeah. That's good. Hussy house. Americans sometimes get a little, they sometimes think that they're saying it wrong when they say hussy. They're like, is it who see? I'm like, no, no, no, it's hussy. Yeah. That's awesome. You, um, have written a really wonderful new book. I want to just start by saying that it's called Let Them for anyone out there who wants to know. You know, I read this book and you have a real gift for taking an idea that has spoken to you, whether it's the five second rule or whether it's, you know, let them. You take an idea and you really run with it. But I think part of your gift is knowing that something really has legs and feeling that yeah and this book um it has legs like I I every chapter it didn't feel like a repetition of the idea it felt like oh we're applying this idea in a beautiful way to another really important aspect of our lives so I felt like it would be a great place to start just to kind of, if we could just frame up what you mean by let them. And I have so many directions I want to go with you. Well,

so the let them theory is ultimately just a mindset tool that is going to teach you in an instant what's in your control and what's not in your control. And any psychologist will tell you, Matthew, and you know this, that the second that you spend any time and energy worrying about or trying to manage something you can't control, it only creates stress for you. And the let them theory is very simple. If you're ever in a situation where someone else is pissing you off or upsetting you or breaking your heart or stressing you out, you just say, let them. And what you're going to notice is you immediately feel a sense of peace and power. Because when you say let them, you are, you're actually deploying a bunch of things, stoicism, detachments, theory, radical acceptance in a moment to let go of something you can't control. And the number one thing that we cannot control in life is what another human being thinks, says, or does. And so when you say, let them, you recognize that's not in my control and I'm not going to allow it to stress me out. I'm not going to allow it to waste my time and energy. And then the second part is you say, let me, and let me is a really powerful cue where you remind yourself that no matter what's going on, no matter how somebody is treating you, no matter what's happening around you, you actually still have power because you can respond. And when you say, let me, you remind yourself, I can choose what I'm going to think, say, or do in response to this other person or in response to this situation. And so ultimately the let them theory is truly about control. You know, I guess the big breakthrough for me is I didn't realize how much time and energy I was wasting in my life. I didn't realize how often I let other people's drama and bullshit stress me out. I didn't realize, and this may surprise you, I mean, we know each other very well. We've been friends for a number of years and we talk a lot about business and life and relationships. And I didn't realize how much I was still navigating my decision-making based on other people's moods or their expectations. And the message that I have as you are spending time together with, you know, Matthew and I today is very simple. If you're frustrated or if you're just not as happy as you'd like to be, or if you're not feeling like you're getting the respect or the love that you deserve in your life, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you're giving to other people's opinions and moods and expectations. And you don't have to live like that. And the let them theory taught me that focusing on what's in your control, which is what you say and do in response, changes your entire life.

So many people, their instinct will be, okay, I'm going to hear that. And it almost makes me go, I'm going to do something different by taking charge of a situation, or I'm going to withdraw some effort that I'm putting into somebody else or places that I'm saying yes, where I shouldn't be saying yes. Once we take some form of action or withdraw some kind of energy from a situation, we then have not only their situation, their energy to contend with. We have our own. Because for many of us, we have a nervous system response to if I've said yes my whole life in situations where I don't want to say yes, and now I say no, even if they don't put up a fuss, I still go away, let's say, feeling incredibly guilt-ridden and feeling afraid. When's

the last time you said no to something and then it left you with a hangover in your body? Like you questioned it, you, or a situation from somebody that listens to you that writes in and says, I'm having a lot of trouble saying no, because I feel guilty. Like, give me a situation and I'll show you how

to use it. Let's say someone says, my parents always expect me to, let's say, spend the holidays with them. Terrific. And this year I am having second thoughts because I want to spend them somewhere else or with a partner or with their family. And saying no or saying I'm not going to this year is going to, I'm going to be wracked with guilt. Yes.

Okay. Fabulous example because we can all relate to it. And here's a couple things that I want everybody that's listening to understand. Number one, it is fantastic that the people in your life want to be with you. It is fantastic that your parents are disappointed if you're not coming home for the holidays. I mean, imagine the opposite, that you say, I'm not coming. They're like, thank God we can't stand that person anyway. And so the fact that somebody is disappointed because not going to show up somewhere is a good thing. And we've made it a bad thing. And that brings me to the second point. It's not your job to manage another adult's emotions. And the let them theory taught me something that changed my relationship with my parents. It changed my relationships with my kids. It changed my relationships with my husband, Chris. And what it taught me is this. Two things can be true at the same time. Your parents can be deeply disappointed by the fact that you're not coming home for the holidays. And you can still make a decision to do what's right for you. Two things can be true at the same time. Your parents can be deeply disappointed that you're not coming, and they can still love you and understand. Two things can be true. Let them be disappointed. They are grown-ass adults, and it's not your job to make sure they're happy. Your job in life is to make sure you're happy. And this is what the let them theory taught me. When I say let them be disappointed, let them, I am honoring my parents' experience and I'm creating space for them to feel very normal, appropriate and positive emotions to the fact that I'm not coming home. Then I go to the second part, let me, let me decide what decisions I'm going to make based on what I value and what my priorities are. Now, here's where this gets interesting because you raised the topic of guilt. Most of us operate out of guilt. We feel guilty, so we say yes. We feel guilty, so we go home. We feel guilty, so we don't take the big job. We feel guilty, so we go on the third or fourth date, even though we know we're not interested. When you do things out of guilt, you actually turn the other person into the villain and you give them power. Do not live your life like that. What you're going to do instead is you're going to say, let them be disappointed. Let them try to guilt trip me. But let me operate based on my values. Because here's the thing, there's a very big difference, Matthew, between me choosing to go home, right? And spend time with my parents because I feel guilty if I don't. And because I want them to think I'm a good daughter versus choosing to go home because it makes me like a good daughter. And when you operate out of guilt, you're giving somebody else's emotions power over you. When you operate from a place of acting in a way where you know what you value, you know what's going to make you proud of yourself. Now you're living your life and you're taking responsibility for doing it in a way that makes you proud. And so I think about, well, what makes me feel like a good daughter? Because family is a deep value of mine. And my parents would like to see me a lot more than they do. And so I have this experience in my life. I'm not spending the holidays with my parents. So I've got to let them be disappointed. And then I say, let me remind myself I am a good daughter. Let me remind myself that disappointment is also part of loving somebody because you're just sad you don't see them. Let me remind myself that it's okay for somebody else to be upset and they can still love me and support me, even if they don't understand, because you do that for other people. There are people that disappoint you and you still love them. And so give yourself the same grace. And so it's created this space where when you let someone else be and you let someone else feel, you're actually honoring and loving them in a way you probably never have.

Yeah.