Mismatch of Incentives: Wanting to Be Known

If you’ve been feeling empty or lonely and are looking for immediate solutions, I hope today’s episode helps—and if you want to go deeper, you can order my new book, The Meaning of Your Life, out March 31.

Today’s topic: the loneliness epidemic. We know more people than ever before, but do we actually know them? In a world of constant connection, many people still feel unseen, unknown, and disconnected from those around them.

In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why loneliness has become so widespread and how it shows up in our relationships. I talk about the difference between being known and being understood, why feeling understood matters so much for happiness, and how modern habits and technologies can make it easier to stay in touch while avoiding real connection.

Change means pushing back against our instincts and doing things that feel like the opposite of what we want. That can sound daunting, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. In this episode, I share four simple habits that, with practice, become easier and help lay the groundwork for more meaningful relationships.

If you’ve been feeling lonely, this episode explores what happens when we stop waiting for that feeling to fix itself.

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Where to find Arthur Brooks: 

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Timestamps:

(00:00) Introduction

(04:31) What Edgar Allan Poe’s life reveals about loneliness

(07:39) The difference between being known and being understood

(09:43) Why feeling known is essential for happiness

(12:38) What fMRI studies reveal about being understood

(15:33) Give what you want to get in relationships

(17:01) Why being known by your spouse matters for happiness

(18:30) Why loneliness is rising among young people and the role of technology

(19:27) How loneliness becomes self-reinforcing

(21:08) Strategy #1: The opposite signal strategy

(24:15) Strategy #2: Proactively knowing others

(27:28) Strategy #3: Asking more questions

(30:33) Strategy #4: Putting your phone away

(32:15) Why loneliness requires proactive effort

(33:16) Q&A: Which times of day matter most for limiting screens?

(34:47) Q&A: How can you let go of shame around anxiety?

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Referenced:

• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.amazon.com/Meaning-Your-Life-Finding-Emptiness/dp/0593545427

• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World: https://www.amazon.com/Together-Connection-Performance-Greater-Happiness/dp/0062913298

• “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46477/alone-56d2265f2667d 

• New Cigna Study Reveals Loneliness at Epidemic Levels in America: https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/new-cigna-study-reveals-loneliness-at-epidemic-levels-in-america-300639747.html 

• The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11575524 

• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours

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