I remember you writing once about this kind of experience where your father like wouldn't let you go do you remember do you know what I'm talking about? Wouldn't let me go. There's a lot of things I could have. Yeah because it was almost a survival mechanism right it's like not only were you going to experience this whether you wanted to or not but you believed that you were supposed to experience this too. So you had to somehow find a way to be okay with having it. Oh yeah yeah there was this one in my childhood which I remember because my dad always brought it up where they would spank us with this long strip of rough leather which they had made specifically for