In a lot of ways, i have threaded a needle with a very small hole because i believed the entire time that this was the place i was going to arrive. I think i took it harder than someone who hadn't been on the same pat since they were ten. And so, like, towards the end of my search for a faculty position, i was at an in a really bad mental place where i was like, sitting down on the floor and crying in the middle of the day. At you didn't get like, two years of exploration and all of that. The flip side was when became a post doctoral fellow, and i was really aware of the probabilities of succeeding in getting into

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