High expectations: drive versus harm

Disappointment. It’s a feeling in between hurt and shock. Why? Because you expect one thing – and you receive another. It doesn’t quite shock you - maybe it wasn’t totally unexpected. And it doesn’t crush you – it’s not exactly traumatic.

But expectation and disappointment are totally interrelated.

Some disappointment is normal of course. You don’t always win the prize or get what you were striving for, whether that’s a job, or a grade, a promotion, or a relationship moving ahead. But how do you feel it? And is it possible that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment in some way, especially if you tend to get disappointed a lot?

How can you identify the expectations that you have that are likely not rational? You can so hope something is going to be different – that when it’s not – you’re disappointed for sure. Does that mean that your expectation was “wrong?”

Building your capacity for disappointment... 

There’s a lot of focus on social media right now about building your capacity or your skill set in managing what’s hurtful in your life. Coping with disappointment. Not identifying with whatever has been hard so much as you feel what you need to feel, what’s helpful to feel, but then using that emotional and psychological learning to grow from it, rather than being paralyzed by it.

In this week's voicemail, I'm not sure of the article that the readers is referencing. But the important ‘aha’ experience for her was… "if I struggle to see something in myself, and even therapists or “experts” struggle to see it, then how could I have expected my ex to see it?" Something was a blind spot for her. And she’s doing the important work of taking on her share of the responsibility for her divorce – then seeing how she can move past it. She’s growing her skill set.

Order the new Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook!

You can pre-order Dr. Margaret's Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook by clicking right here! And I'm so excited! It's an actual workbook so all your "selfwork" is contained in its covers!

It's a stand-alone look at all the ten traits of PHD - such as struggling to express painful emotion, taking too much responsibility by staying eternally "busy," and balancing gratitude with what is real hardship. Then you're guided to keep what is worth keeping about that trait, and gently let go of what's harmful.

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!