Peter Barton’s beautiful memoir, Not Fade Away: A Short Life Well Lived, takes readers along a man’s search for meaning when he’s forced to confront mortality. Struggling for a reason to persist amid a terminal diagnosis, his wife, Laura, orders Peter to "Find a point!"
"So where was I supposed to find something to feel good about, some realm where I could still feel strong and hopeful? The answer now seems obvious, but for me it was the hardest place to accept: that realm was my mind. My frame of mind was something I could still control. Doing so would be a sort of victory I was not accustomed to valuing—a total inward, private victory—but a legitimate accomplishment nevertheless. I resolved to control my own discomforts, to rise above them if I possibly could. In doing so, I came to understand the deep truth that, while my pain may be unavoidable, suffering is largely optional…Pain can make you thoroughly miserable, or pain can just be pain. The trick, I've realized, is to confine it to the body and not let it infect the mind.”
Not only is this separation between pain and suffering a very Stoic idea, but this idea of “Finding a point” is an exercise we all need to practice. It’s part and parcel of amor fati.
When someone we love has been hurt, we need to find a point (for instance, that this will bring us closer together and remind us to not take time for granted). When a project we are working on fails, we need to find a point (to examine our choices and the systems by which we operate or simply realize that not everything we are going to do will be successful). When we are stuck in traffic, we need to find a point (that this is a chance to listen to a podcast or make a phone call). When we feel exhausted and burned out, find a point (your body is telling you something, or remember why or who you are making this sacrifice for).
Do these points magically undo what we are feeling in those moments? Of course not. Nothing can. But they do make sure the feeling is not permanent, nor completely in vain and without value. This is the crucial distinction between pain and suffering.
Suffering is needless. Pain can instruct.
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