i'm curious whether you reflect back on that time also and deconstruct it all. There were times i can remember just kind of pleading with my insides to just say something. I have this memory of getting my hands stuck in the screen door when i was about four or five, and i needed to yell for help,. But there were people, a lot of people in the house, and i just couldn't bring myself to scream. And i think it just felt like this restriction in me that i couldn't make sense of. It didn't even feel like a choice.

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