Not A Burden: Michelle Boyaner on Showing Up for Aging Parents
For The Love With Jen Hatmaker Podcast
The Importance of Sharing Your Story
"It's like a zombie movie in a way because it's everywhere you look," says director Michelle Lane. "You spare no truth telling is a profound experience for the rest of us." The film follows 32 families as they navigate caring for aging parents and their adult children. It was inspired by her mother, who said she didn't want to be a burden on anyone.
Continuing in our For the Love of the Middle series, we’re having a conversation about something that may impact us as we hit those middle years (or sooner)–caring for our aging parents. With us to be our guide through this sometimes difficult journey is Michelle Boyaner, the director of the documentary film "It's Not a Burden: The Humor and Heartache of Raising Elderly Parents.” As a storyteller, Michelle felt compelled to talk about this particular stage of life, and decided to film her own journey through it with her mother to help others embrace this unique time in a family’s evolution. Jen and Michelle explore the highs and the lows of caregiving for aging parents and how to stay sane and open hearted during the process.
Michelle Boyaner is an award-winning filmmaker, writer, and educator who founded production company Greenie Films with her wife, Barbara Greene. Together they have written, directed and produced a variety of short and feature films that tell stories of caring for aging parents, living with HIV and the challenges of mental illness–all told with their signature humor and deep capacity for compassion.
Join Jen and Michelle as they discuss:
- How to know when it's time to step in with your aging parents
- Honoring and managing your parents feelings of not wanting to be a burden
- Finding humor in the challenging moments
- Why caregivers feel so lonely, even when there are so many in the U.S.
- Moving from anger and frustration with difficult parental relationships to forgiveness
We hope you’ll feel less alone on your caregiving journey as Michelle provides practical advice and encouragement as well as some tough love for those in the middle of this common but not often discussed major life experience.
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Thought-Provoking Quotes
“How do you know it’s the right time to step in? If you see a cognitive difference, if there's a change like they're forgetting things–for example, my mom left her keys on the top of the car and sat in the car and didn't know why she couldn't start the car. That’s when you might want to consider stepping in. But how do I start that conversation? How can I place my hand on theirs and then gently sort of take the reins? It’s a tough thing to consider.” - Michelle Boyaner
“By the time we get to this place in life [of caring for our] parents, you are playing a montage of their greatest hits and misses, right?” - Michelle Boyaner
“It’s important to stay engaged with the humor of all situations if you can. That humor is this little cup of water that helps us in between the hard moments. Caring for aging parents has its absurd moments and leaning into the humor of it can sustain us.” - Michelle Boyaner
“You're going to make mistakes. But the thing that becomes most important for those going through caring for an aging parent is to try to find support. Try to find others who have been going through the same thing and ask questions. Talk about how you're feeling. Take care of yourself to fill your tank so that you can help fill your parents' tank.” - Michelle Boyaner
Michelle’s Links
Books & Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Greenie Films: Packed in a Trunk: The Lost Art of Edith Lake Wilkinson, It’s Not a Burden; The Humor and Heartache of Raising Elderly Parents, All Around the Nation, Finished Life by Michelle Boyaner
Instagram Account by Heather Spooner: Letter League
Liz Hammond’s Poem: “The women who walk us home”
Connect with Jen! Jen’s Website
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