Temperament: Are We Born This Way?

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"These kids, these difficult temperaments, actually have this relationship with the world that's pretty unpleasant. Everyone's like, sit down, stop that, don't do that. And there's even this vibe these kids get, like nobody really wants to spend time with them." - Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Dr. Ramani Durvasula walks through something most parents never want to hear: some kids are just born difficult. High energy, low frustration tolerance, constantly getting into trouble at school, and nobody wants to be around them. She's spent her career working with narcissistic adults, and without exception, every single one had a difficult temperament as a child. But here's where it gets interesting. That difficult temperament isn't a life sentence. The difference between a difficult kid who becomes a confident adult and one who becomes a narcissist comes down to how their parents respond. Lewis shares the story of Kobe Bryant, who went an entire summer without scoring a single point in basketball at age 13. His father told him, "I'm gonna love you no matter what. Whether you score zero points or you're the highest scorer, I'm gonna love you no matter what you do." That conversation gave Kobe the confidence to keep going. Dr. Ramani explains how rare that kind of support is, where a kid feels loved unconditionally, has their energy channeled into athletics or building things, and experiences boundaries without rejection.

The conversation takes a sharp turn into modern parenting's biggest trap. Parents are celebrating their kids for nothing, telling them they're special just for existing, but nobody's actually sitting with these kids' emotions. Dr. Ramani calls it being "overindulged for their outsides" while their emotional world goes completely unnourished. Narcissistic parents need their kids to be great because it reflects on them, so they heap praise on everything while never teaching their kids to handle disappointment or sit with sadness. The result? Adults who get blindsided by life's inevitable difficulties and can't handle it. She breaks down exactly what great actually means (it's about excelling, not just being), how to love a child while still calling out bad behavior, and why the most dangerous thing you can do is protect a kid from struggle while telling them they're amazing. If you've got a difficult kid or you're trying to figure out where confidence ends and narcissism begins, this conversation draws the lines with surgical precision.

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