Trying to soothe that low self esteem with stories and justifications, all that was really doing was managing the pain that i had. So maintaining something is not going to necessarily solve the problem. If you want to cleanse yourself of that wound up emotion and conflict within you, using philosophy to examine your own character is one way to do it. It's not always easy or pleasant in the beginning, but it is always fulfilling and meaningful. An old saying, and the truth shallset you free.
“The philosopher’s school is a doctor’s clinic: you should not go there expecting pleasure but rather pain.” – Epictetus
“Philosophy does not propose to secure for a man any external thing. If it did (or if it were not, as I say), philosophy would be allowing something which is not within its province.” -Epictetus
“Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others.” -Seneca
"This is therefore to say that the transformation of human consciousness through meditation is frustrated so long as we think of it as something that I by myself can bring about, by some sort of wangle, by some sort of gimmick. Because you see it leads to endless games of spiritual oneupmanship. And of guru competition. Of my guru being more effective than your guru. My yogas are faster than your yoga. I am more aware of myself than you are. I am humbler than you are. I am sorrier for my sins than you are. I love you more than you love me. There’s this interminable goings on where people fight and wonder whether they are a bit more evolved than somebody else and so on.” -Alan Watts