How Come Depression Makes Me Feel More Alive?

In Vietnamese the word for grenade is bum from the French bum meaning apple or was it American for bomb woke up screaming with no sound the room filling with a bluish water called dawn. how come depression makes me feel more alive life is funny note to self if a guy tells you his favorite poet is Jack Kerouac there's a very good chance he's a douchebag just personal experience. If Orpheus were a woman I wouldn't be stuck down here why do all my books leave me empty handed in Vietnamese?