621 - Invisible Work & Marriage
Organize 365 Podcast
Navigating Invisible Work in Marriage
This chapter explores the often unseen challenges of household work, especially the disproportionate burden it places on women. It discusses personal experiences with delegation and provides insights on managing responsibilities through effective task sharing, inspired by Eve Rodky's 'Fair Play.'
This time of year we have a lot on our plates and a new perspective can always be helpful. I recorded this episode to give examples of what I presume is happening in all households, but in our minds we conjure up a totally different scenario. In this episode, I am talking about the homes with a married couple with children, which I realize is a small population, with lessons that anyone can apply to life.
Failed Delegation
I think it’s fair to say that no one is doing nothing in the house. Some people do less, like in my family, but my little Lisa heart is happy doing all the things, even at home. But when I do feel my capacity waning, I decide to delegate or delete since I know I can’t get it done. The other day Greg said, “You do a lot, let me do something for you. How can I help?” So I gave him a couple of small tasks and he asked for more. I thought I was giving him the task of getting the fence installed, but Greg thought it would be a collaborative effort. Then things were lost in communication or lack there of. The fresh perspective here is, if you delegate, delegate the whole task otherwise you end up micromanaging to ensure the task was completed!
Motivational Shift
In my studies I have come across this Self Determination Theory by Ryan and Deci. It explains the 6 levels of motivation. I chose Sunday dinner at our house to show the shift from Amotivation (total lack of motivation) up 4 levels to Integration Motivation (meaning in congruence of goals.) When we started family dinner at our house, Greg was the cook and I felt obligated to help with some aspect of the meal (AKA Introjection Motivation - do it for approval of clothes-guilt). I would help with the salad and rolls thinking about how much the meal cost us and do the dishes because that’s how it was when I was a kid. Whoever didn’t cook, cleaned up.
Over time, it has become something that is a part of our family. It’s weird if due to a trip or another reason, we don’t have Sunday dinner. It’s like something is missing. At Sunday dinner I take care of the salad and rolls. I then clean up the dishes and get dessert ready. Identification Motivation - I do the salad, rolls, and dishes because you identify as the person in the family that does those things. My motivation changed.
Not too long ago, I was blissfully washing dishes after Sunday dinner. My heart was so content with gratitude. It wasn’t because I got to wash dishes. It was because Sunday dinner started earlier due to a football game. We had appetizers on all the fun dishes we’ve collected over the past couple years. Grayson and our dog get so excited when Nana, Greg’s mom, comes over. I was washing the dishes we used to dish out the meal that Greg had cooked and it made him so happy. It’s great to have our children join us and sometimes their friends will join us, too. We all look forward to it and it’s rewarding to everyone. I now experience Integration Motivation, meaning it’s in congruence with our family’s (or a group's) goal. Our family’s goal is Sunday dinner.
As the household CEO, there’s always something to do. You need to decide to do it, delegate it or delete it. I’m always trying to gain perspective on why I do the things I do. I’m a fan of longevity and significance. I ask myself what is the significance of this task? How does it help others? Is it necessary? When I consider these questions I can make the decision on what to do about the task at hand, like going to the grocery store, delegating new tasks to a family member, or helping with Sunday dinner. It’ll give you a new perspective on that task!
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