Patterns: quiet buildup and victim volcano

Zach sits down with couples therapist and author Colette Jane Fehr and her husband Steve Fehr for a candid conversation about second marriage, difference, repair, and what therapy really does—and doesn’t—solve.

Colette and Steve met later in life after very different first marriages and divorces. She’s an emotionally expressive, extroverted therapist from New York; he’s a reserved, analytical CPA from Kentucky. On paper, they couldn’t be more different—but from their first night talking for hours at a diner, something clicked.

They talk openly about blending families with four teenage daughters, the strain that season put on their marriage, and how therapy became not a last resort but an ongoing resource. Steve reflects on learning—slowly—to speak up before resentment builds, while Colette names her own pattern of over-explaining and chasing understanding when she feels disconnected.

The conversation explores how repair actually works in real marriages: who apologizes first, why pauses matter, how shame gets in the way, and why growth is measured in years—not moments. They also share what they’re navigating now: demanding careers, a major book launch, and the need to reinvest in their relationship after a season of borrowing against it.

This episode is an honest look at what long-term partnership looks like when both people stay willing to learn, practice, and keep showing up—imperfectly.

Key Takeaways

• Therapy isn’t a referee – Real change happens when each person does their own work, not when someone “wins.”

• Quiet creates distance – Avoiding small conversations leads to resentment and emotional shutdown.

• Pausing prevents damage – Taking space can be protective when emotions run hot.

• Repair matters more than perfection – Apologies don’t require total agreement—just ownership.

• Different nervous systems need different timing – One partner may need space while the other seeks immediate connection.

• Growth is gradual – Being better than five years ago counts—and so does staying open to future growth.

• Relationships require reinvestment – Work seasons drain connection unless time and intention are restored.

Guest Info

Colette Jane Fehr Couples therapist, speaker, podcast host, and author of The Cost of Quiet, releasing February 2026 https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book. Colette specializes in helping individuals and couples break patterns of avoidance and learn self-connected communication.

Website: https://www.colettejanefehr.com

Steve Fehr CPA and finance professional with over 30 years of experience. Steve brings a grounded, analytical perspective to conversations about communication, emotional labor, and long-term partnership.

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