As we said recently, no parent has ever successfully shielded their child from negative feelings or distress. No parent has done it and no grown adult has ever looked back at their childhood and been grateful that their parents tried. “I’m so glad Mom and Dad kept me in a bubble of sunshine and kittens, that really set me up now that I’m on my own.”
Gaslighting someone about their feelings is not, and never has been, a service.
Dr. Becky Kennedy writes In Good Inside, her wonderful book about parenting (can’t recommend it enough), that “adults whose childhood were focused mainly on happiness are not only unprepared for tough moments, they experience more discomfort in those tough moments because deep down, they think they’re doing something wrong if they can’t ‘find the happy’ and get themselves to a ‘better place.’”
We’ve talked before about Seneca’s Consolations essays where he works his friends and family through the awful grief they are experiencing. It’s important that we understand this is how the Stoics—and hopefully your kids—learn to deal with strong emotions, period. You don’t stuff it down. You don’t mask it with smiles. You don’t seek out pleasure to counterbalance it. In fact, the more you do those things, the harder time you will have in the future if even more serious or distressing things happen.
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