How should partners pace together?

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.

The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory.

In this episode, we talk about:

— The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy

— Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration

— How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working

— The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy

— Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges

— The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down

— How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions

— The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling

— Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships

— The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules

— How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relating

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Free Nervous System Regulation Training

— Trauma Rewired podcast hosted by Jennifer Wallace

— Unruly: An Agreements Lab workshop for creating flexible, resilient agreements

— Our free Repair Skills Videos

Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions