Enmeshment: A Definition

Dr. Ken Adams: Enmeshment is a term used to describe family system function. In enmesh systems, dependency is built on obligation and loyalty is driven by guilt. You're owe me, you can't leave me. So I need you to tune in to me. There's a cost,. when we have enmeshment, there’s too much dependency, too much involvement at a cost to my own autonomy. And so I feel bound to you, I think, a guilt rather than desire to visit with you or to love you.

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Do you ever feel like you’re being disloyal to your family for having your own life? Or do you feel like you’re second fiddle to your partner’s parents?

If so, you or your partner might come from an enmeshed family: a system of relating to each other that is based on dependency, guilt, obligation and too much closeness (yes, that can be a thing!).

In today’s episode, I’m bringing back one of your favorite guests, Dr. Ken Adams, to talk about the important topic of enmeshment – and let me tell you, he is SUCH a wealth of knowledge!

When I knew we were bringing Dr. Adams back, I asked The Adult Chair® community what you wanted to know about enmeshment and I was flooded with questions! So, I used this time with Dr. Adams to ask him YOUR questions – everything from the difference between codependency and enmeshment to what to do if your spouse is enmeshed with his or her family to how to let go as an enmeshed parent.

I know you guys are so excited to have Dr. Adams back and to get your questions answered, and I am too!

Listen to discover:

The line between being caring and enmeshment
The difference between codependency and enmeshment
What to do if you come from an enmeshed family or your spouse’s family is enmeshed
How to manage guilt when stepping out of an enmeshed system
What a healthy family looks like
How different cultural norms can foster enmeshment
Tips for enmeshed parents who want to change their pattern of relating to their children or who are struggling with letting go

The key to recognizing enmeshment is to understand that it’s a connection bound by guilt. It goes beyond being caring and even beyond being codependent to the point of obligation, anger and being accused of disloyalty if you don’t follow the family system.

These feelings of guilt can make it difficult to set boundaries, but if you stay in your Adult, sit with your emotions and hold those boundaries, freedom – and possibly a much healthier family overall – is waiting for you on the other side.

“In those enmeshed systems, dependency is built on obligation and loyalty is driven by guilt.” - Dr. Ken Adams

“Autonomy and separateness feel like disloyalty.” - Dr. Ken Adams

“Sometimes outsiders are viewed suspiciously, which includes your spouse.” - Dr. Ken Adams

“Both partners are responsible for keeping out intrusions”. - Dr. Ken Adams

“Sometimes the guilt is a representation that you’re doing the right thing.” - Dr. Ken Adams

“You don’t let the guilt stop you from continuing the boundaries in that relationship.” - Michelle Chalfant

“It’s really building up self-worth around who am I now…who am I really underneath these masks that my parents put on me.” - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

Dr. Ken Adams Website

https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/

Episode #256: Understanding Enmeshment with Dr. Ken Adams

https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/256/