Neuroscience: pain and reward circuits

What if the most dangerous addiction in the world isn't drugs, alcohol, or gambling—but revenge? In this eye-opening conversation, I sit down with Dr. James Kimmel Jr., Yale School of Medicine researcher, attorney, and author of The Science of Revenge, to unpack what actually happens in our brains when we feel wronged, humiliated, or disrespected.

Dr. Kimmel breaks down the neuroscience behind revenge, why it lights up the brain the same way cocaine does, and how seeking retaliation gives us a temporary dopamine hit that ultimately leaves us worse off. We talk about anger, forgiveness, sibling rivalry, marriage conflict, parenting mistakes, and why forgiveness isn't weakness—it's one of the most powerful tools we have to reclaim peace, leadership, and self-control as men and fathers.

Timeline Summary

[0:00] Why revenge may be the most dangerous addiction in the world.

[2:10] Introducing Dr. James Kimmel Jr. and his research on revenge and forgiveness.

[3:02] How revenge activates the same brain circuitry as drugs like cocaine.

[4:38] Dr. Kimmel's background as both a lawyer and Yale researcher.

[6:33] Marriage, faith, and building a family with shared purpose over 37 years.

[9:12] Advice on long-term marriage and selecting the right partner early.

[13:23] Why revenge seeking escalates conflict in families and relationships.

[16:17] Defining revenge as an addictive, pleasure-seeking process.

[17:17] How grievances activate the brain's pain and reward systems.

[21:25] Why emotional pain registers as physical pain in the brain.

[23:13] Dopamine, craving, and why revenge never actually satisfies.

[25:32] How the prefrontal cortex gets hijacked during revenge seeking.

[28:06] Revenge cycles in marriage and intimate relationships.

[31:20] Losing control: when logic shuts down during retaliation.

[33:27] Larry shares a real-life road rage trigger moment.

[37:39] How quickly fight-or-flight turns into revenge seeking.

[39:52] Why only about 20% of people become "revenge addicted."

[42:16] Differences between men and women when seeking revenge.

[43:28] Why revenge plots dominate movies like John Wick and The Lion King.

[47:07] Sibling rivalry and how revenge shows up between brothers.

[54:23] Parenting discipline vs. revenge-driven punishment.

[58:25] Why forgiveness is essential for breaking the revenge cycle.

Five Key Takeaways

1. Revenge activates the same brain circuits as drugs and gambling, making it addictive and compulsive for some people.
2. Emotional wounds register as real physical pain in the brain, triggering a desire to self-medicate through retaliation.
3. Revenge provides temporary relief but increases anger, anxiety, and depression after the dopamine fades.
4. Parents can unintentionally cross the line from discipline into revenge, especially when ego and shame are triggered.
5. Forgiveness is not weakness—it's neuroscience. It's one of the most powerful ways to reclaim control, peace, and leadership.

Links & Resources

• The Science of Revenge: https://bit.ly/4q1khVd

• Bark Monitoring for Families: https://thedadedge.com/bark

• Podcast Shownotes: http://thedadedge.com/1414

Closing Remark

If this episode challenged the way you think about anger, conflict, and forgiveness, please take a moment to rate, review, follow, and share the podcast. Your support helps us reach more men who want to lead with intention instead of reaction.