There's a distinction between some different kinds of envy, malicious and benign. Malicious envy is when we dislike and begrudge another person for having what we want. Most of the time, another person's ability to achieve something is actually evidence that we can achieve it too. "If we can call ourselves out on it, it can help us deal with the emotion in a slightly healthier way"
Mollie West Duffy: Big Feelings
Mollie West Duffy is an expert in organizational design, development, and leadership coaching. She previously was an organizational design lead at global innovation firm IDEO. She’s helped advise and coach leaders and founders at companies including Casper, Google, LinkedIn, Bungalow, and Slack. She’s experienced in designing talent processes and systems, as well as organizational structures and behaviors, cultural values, and learning and development programs.
She's written for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Entrepreneur, Quartz, and other digital outlets. She co-founded the Capital Good Fund, Rhode Island's first microfinance fund. She is the co-author with Liz Fosslien of the Wall Street Journal bestseller No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work and now their second book Big Feelings: How To Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay*.
We’ve all heard the well-intended advice that we should not compare ourselves to others. In this conversation, Mollie and I explore why that's almost impossible to do and how we can cooperate a bit more with the inevitable and make our comparisons more useful. We highlight some of the key ways that comparison can help us and where leaning in may actually be useful in your own happiness and development.
Key Points
It’s a myth that the less you compare yourself to others, the better. Often, the opposite is true: we don’t compare ourselves enough.
We tend to compare our weaknesses to other people's strengths. Finding ways to curate our inputs is often much more useful.
Shifting from malicious envy to benign envy is helpful. Thoughts such as “I’m inspired by what they’ve done…” or “I haven’t done what they’ve done…yet,” can move us to a healthier place.
We see the best of people on social media. It’s helpful to piece together the missing footage by comparing some of the nitty gritty.
Compare present you against past you.
Resources Mentioned
Big Feelings: How To Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay* by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy
How to Manage Your Anger at Work by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy
Interview Notes
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Related Episodes
Four Steps to Get Unstuck and Embrace Change, with Susan David (episode 297)
What to Do With Your Feelings, with Lori Gottlieb (episode 438)
How to Reduce Burnout, with Jennifer Moss (episode 561)
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