Moshe and Tobi didn't know that Tobi was autistic when they first met and they couldn't make sense of some of the challenges they were experiencing in their marriage. While still newlyweds, Tobi has been officially diagnosed and they are now expecting their first baby this month.
During this episode, this loving couple talk about how Tobi's diagnosis has changed everything for the better. Their communication has improved exponentially, they focus on each other strengths and are always trying to find ways to better understand themselves and each other. In addition, they have learned that Tobi's sensory sensitivities have been very heightened during pregnancy. Conversations with her OB/GYN about her needs during pregnancy and childbirth have not been well received. We talked about how this is an area that requires further education and advocacy, so that physicians understand (and believe) the needs of their autistic patients.
Moshe also shares how understanding more about their neurology helped him understand then when Tobi didn't want to process her day it wasn't because she "didn't care", she just didn't have anything to share, so she didn't ask about his day. On the other hand, Tobi didn't understand that spending hours on the couch in "parallel play" was not enough for Moshe and he needed some type of interaction together (ie: playing a game) to feel that his needs were being met.
Tobi also talks about how emotional and sensory overload can lead to a non-verbal shutdown and now that Moshe understands what is happening and why, he can make sure that Tobi's needs are met until she is able to verbally communicate with him again.
Together, Moshe and Tobi are addressing the best way to make decisions that impact them as a couple, how to divide up the household chores that can create sensory overload for Tobi, and the best way to create a work/life balance as they prepare for their newborn to join their lives.
It is always wonderful to hear how neurodiverse couples are able to increase grace, compassion and understanding to create hope, joy and a life filled with love and patience. No relationship is ever going to be perfect, but "when we know better, we can both do better":-)
NOTE: The phone app that Tobi uses when she is non-verbal is called "Tell me" and is available for Android users. The "text to speech" app may also be another option for I-phone users.
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