How does shame fuel codependency?

In this episode, Michelle discussed how she grew up in a dysfunctional family, and as a child and adolescent, she was always trying to figure it out and understanding why this is happening. She said it wasn’t until she got into recovery from food addiction and codependency, did she get the principles for living that she didn't learn growing up, and this inspired her to become a therapist to help others. She explained that she defines codependency as over functioning in order to get the love, support and validation that you can’t give to yourself. We discussed how the hyper vigilance of being aware of others can be a gift, but at the same time, it can lead to misinterpretation, worrying that if someone is upset, they’re upset at me. We talked about boundaries, and how for many people with codependency they have a hard time saying no because it is threatening, and by pleasing the other, it’s a way of seeking safety and love. She discusses how many people that come into therapy with codependency may not be realizing that they are struggling with codependency, but instead are wanting help fixing a relationship, and not realizing their part in it. She discusses how healing from codependency happens when the person starts befriending themselves and doing less. She talked about how often times, the therapist can’t just point out that the person is doing too much, but instead asking if its working, and helping the client to see they are working so hard to please the other person, but this may only be leading to more anxiety and resentment. She explains that we have to be able to be with ourselves, and love ourselves, to be able to love others, otherwise, we are so afraid of losing the other or them not liking us, that we are scared to be without them and be with ourselves. She discusses how 12 step programs like Al-Anon and CoDA can be a very powerful resource for clients because when they tell their story over and over, they develop a stronger sense of self and realize, I wasn’t bad, I’m not a bad person, I’m not alone, and I’m not defective. She talked about how the goal in recovery from codependency is being able to give without it hurting you. She explains that she encourages clients to take small steps, asking for their needs, stating their preferences, and that these are tests, seeing how the other person reacts. This gives information whether the other person is safe and should be in our inner circle, or we might realize that we can’t be that vulnerable with them, can’t be ourselves with them. She explains that it is important to be gentle with yourself and your clients as they are trying to change these codependent behaviors, because they’re doing the best they can in breaking these pattern and oftentimes there is perfectionism wrapped up in codependency. Lastly, she talked about her psychoeducational groups called Beyond Codependency, which can help accelerate the process of recovery. Michelle Farris, LMFT is a psychotherapist, codependency expert, and anger management specialist with a passion for helping people break free from codependent patterns and manage emotions with confidence. She’s been featured in several online publications and podcasts, known for her down-to-earth approach and deep expertise. Michelle empowers her clients to stop people-pleasing, trust themselves again, and build the healthy, connected relationships they’ve always wanted. Through her online courses and digital resources, she teaches practical tools for codependency recovery, emotional regulation, self-trust, and lasting relationship success. She teaches a 4 week class, Beyond Codependency, and has a website with free resources for therapists on codependency and anger.