Fear of a 'Hole in the Bucket' from Trauma

In their third session, Zach shifts focus from reparenting the self to rebuilding trust, compassion, and connection in real time.

The couple begins by reflecting on the chaos of parenting two neurodivergent children and how exhaustion, overwhelm, and constant caregiving have reshaped their marriage. The wife shares that while parenting has deep purpose and spiritual meaning, it also leaves her feeling “brought to her knees.” The husband expresses gratitude for their new home in Lisbon and admiration for her recent self-care efforts—but his words about “having more respect” land in a complicated way.

What unfolds next is a layered conversation about respect versus compassion—how differently each experiences and defines those words, and how love can be both abundant and still “not land.” The wife reveals her fear that her “bucket has a hole”—that trauma keeps love from staying inside. The husband wrestles with the feeling of being both compassionate and exhausted. Zach guides them toward clarity: that differences in meaning, experience, and emotional wiring don’t mean disconnection—they’re invitations to co-create a shared vocabulary of care.

By the end, the trio lands on a metaphor for healing: building an inner “city with a well and garden”. A healthy place inside the self where gratitude, curiosity, and compassion can grow. From there, they imagine a next step; ten intentional days of small, mutual choices to create a shared sense of safety and hope.

Key Takeaways

• Parenting exposes purpose and pressure – Raising neurodivergent kids has deepened their sense of mission but also stretched their capacity for joy.

• Respect and compassion can get tangled – The husband’s expression of regained respect triggers the wife’s old shame wounds, revealing how love languages can misfire even when intentions are good.

• Compassion must land – It’s not about whether compassion exists, but whether it’s experienced and felt.

• Trauma leaves “holes in the bucket” – The wife describes how past pain can make love hard to hold, even when it’s generously offered.

• Shame cycles need space – Zach helps her imagine creating a small pause between shame and reaction—a mindful sliver that grows with practice.

• Safety over sameness – Each partner’s version of health looks different, but the shared goal is to meet in a “healthy place,” not to drag the other toward one definition.

• Gratitude and agency go together – The husband learns that his peace can’t depend on her choices; it must come from cultivating gratitude within himself.

• Ten-day goals – They agree to take small, concrete steps—ten days at a time—to make life together a little “more good” and a little “less bad.”

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices