No,

he's not that pretty. Only one man is too pretty, and we all know who it is.

Yes, no question. So Ryan, who is too pretty, is making breakfast way too long. Jackie's really pissed off he's taking so long to make breakfast. The 11 guys who aren't Ryan, they have to go like do dude ranch chores. And while they're like, you know, moving hay bales and shoveling mud, they're trying to find the secret gay. And one of them says, Ryan's actually

the gay because he's inside courting the woman. I was like, yes, yes. That's a great thing to say. Congratulations. I will say Ryan, when he's making the breakfast, says like, he's making an extra fancy French toast because that's going to make him look straight. I have no idea what we thought was an indicator or not. So extra fancy French toast is the super straight thing, but all cake is gay. Okay.

And like chefs, you know, super straight dude job being a chef i think that's what he was thinking i don't know there's

a moment here i really want to talk about where he had a dumb rose stuck in the back of his pants yeah he put a rose in his ass came over to her on the bed he's like give me a hug she's like all right whatever the fuck and then he's like no lower lower she's like what you want me to grab your butt haha because like she's not touching the rose because it's at a weird angle. And it is so awkward and so stupid. And then it goes straight from there to him telling the camera how he's a smooth operator. He's like, dude, I'm a pretty smooth. I'm like, dude, we specifically saw proof

of how this isn't true. He

said that's a move that he does, too. And I'm like, how? Why would anyone really be like? Was

it just to brag that you have a strong enough ass you can grasp a rose stem that's pretty good very straight to know the strength of your your butt in terms of stems I don't think he has no moves because he's like she's like

entertain me with the story he's like I'll entertain you by catching grapes across the room which is I think yeah that's fun I wrote down Sean maybe probably thinks this is a good idea. I did. That's bullshit. You did not write that down. I did write that down. There's no way you could know it. I did. I just knew. I knew as soon as I saw it, like, this is a Sean thing. I bet Sean is trying to. I

could definitely see you doing that. I

feel like she asks for a story. You don't want to, like, do what the woman says, because then you've given her too much power. But you do want to escalate this like the stakes here you're like okay i can be fun which in it because it's not very fun to say fuck you i'm not telling you a story so i feel like this is a really good move pickup artist wise to be like okay i think it's

a really good move straight if you're trying to convince him you're straight guy but be like look what i can do look at this stupid trick I can do. Very

straight. Oh, yeah. That's like the straightest thing. If he had like accidentally choked on a grape. Yes,

if he had broken his arm trying to catch that grape. 100% straight. Here's the only time I've liked Jackie. He says, here's the deal. If I can catch three grapes in a row, I get a kiss. And it cuts to her later going, oh yeah, I get a kiss him. What a fucking treat. Amazing. She hates this guy. It's extremely

hateable.

She misses the third grape or he misses it. And he says, I get at least a cheek kiss. And then he does that thing where he puts his mouth in front of the kiss to steal it. A little sex crimey. And then they, but it works and they make out for a little bit. I'd say this is pretty straight because he is a man making out with a woman.

But it's a bad make out. I

agree. And you know why? Because he's not trying to fuck her. His goal, his admitted goal is just to prove he's straight and get out of there.

Yeah. Which kind

of came across as like the opposite of what he was trying to prove. Because I've made out with a couple people. Usually you're trying to get somewhere with it. You know, maybe in sixth grade you're like, I'm making out. I did it. That was my whole goal for the relationship. It is a grown people. And he's just like, cool. She gets that I'm not gay.

Yeah. Kissing her to prove that he is straight is extremely gay. Yeah.

That's what we're saying. Yes. Yes. Uh-oh, the show's getting complicated the show has me um they have they play a super cut here i almost took a sound clip because it's just everyone calling each other gay for like 40 seconds but i'm like i think you can picture that there's no need to take it then they do an event they finally do like a fucking reality show like little race and so they all line up but here's the twist there's fucking men with lassos chasing them i just i couldn't fucking believe what i was looking at like they're fucking like like texas border patrol like i love

this so much because they thought the straight guys thought like this makes me look so rugged horses ropes you are getting hogtied by a strong cowboy for potentially being a gay like the, the producers knew this. That's what this is. That's what a lot of these are. It's funny because we're making you do a very fraught action. But a lot of straight guys were just like, yeah, horses, rope. That's good.

Well, and like, picture the producers pitching this and not seeing, like, hunt the gays. Yes! It's like... How

do we get this to not look like a fox hunt? It is

the premise of the show. Right. I mean, this could have been called Hunt the Gays and it would be the exact same show.

Or just like Gay Panic the show.

John won in the second group.

Luciano was fastest in group one. Good news for Jackie. But he doesn't do cardio. So afterwards he wins. He tries to pick her up and he can't. She weighs like 90 pounds and luciano's like uh fuck uh john in group two wins a picnic with her which in this in this case means eating like a one peach on a dirt field in the dirt just right there in the dirt right there in the dirt where they held the race full of horse shit yep then luciano shows up and it's just fucking over for john she's like get out of here, fucking peach boy. Cuts to a testimony of her telling the camera, anyone who will listen, how beautiful Luciano is. And then they cut to a barn dance. That's the next activity. Everyone has to pick a special shiny cowboy shirt. And Chad and Ryan wrestle over the same shirt, which makes Chad thinks Ryan is gay. Which is... And then Chris saw Bradley check his hat in the mirror. Gay. That's what we're going with for the whole show. Wanting a shirt as

gay as cake.

Wanting a shirt looking in a mirror. We'll have to make a tier list of gay based on what we've

learned from this show. Hairdryer at the top. 100%. S tier gay having a hairdryer.

I really think you hit on something earlier when you said they're confusing gay people and vampires because now we've got the looking in the mirror thing is gay dude that's vampires right

right right blah okay so so they learn how to square dance and half of them have to be female because uh square dancing there's a male and a female uh male leads uh it seems unfair because if you ask me i think um checking your cowboy hat in the mirror makes you gay, being an actual woman at a bar dance, that makes you super gay. And so I just don't think it's fair.

This is just the producers trying to provoke drama. And it doesn't work. None of the men fight about it. They're just like, OK, I'm the female. And they started dancing. Yeah. And the producers back there fucking tearing his hair out being like, I thought somebody was going to get hit. So Bradley, he starts a plot to get Eddie

drunk to get him kicked off. Because he's like, okay, I can't do anything about Luciano. But Eddie is the second hottest dude. I'm going to get him kicked off. I'm going to get him really drunk. So he's doing an old trick where you pretend to drink a shot, but don't. And now he spends a lot of time explaining to the camera how to do this. And here's the thing is you spit it out instead of swallowing it. I don't

think you're following me. He explains this as this is something I learned as a bartender for getting people too drunk. The opposite of a bartender's job is that is what the thing you just said. To

me like I don't think male bartenders at a regular bar are typically bought a lot of drinks right like women aren't buying men drinks usually but if you were maybe a bartender at like a gay bar you would be getting a lot of drinks bought for you i don't know if he's

gay or straight i do know do not trust a drink that he gives you i know that's a good point yeah yeah i know you you gotta dip a coaster in that drink. At the very least, he's bragging on television about

his ability to deceive with drinks, which is not great. Good

point.

As a bartender. Bradley, in his pot, he's telling everybody he's doing it. And so Ryan is like, oh, cool, I want to be a part of this. Again, this is all a whole bunch of deception. Tell me in. Yeah. He's like, I'm part of the bully crew. So he goes over and he farts on Eddie. Very straight. But also not very sexy to Jackie because this is such a fine line these men have to walk. Do I groom myself or do I fart loudly on another man? I do

think this was actually a good move by Ryan because he has to know. I mean, if you look like Ryan and you stand next to somebody that looks like Luciano you don't feel like you're the same species you're like this is you're like the aliens that built the pyramids or something and I'm a piece of California shit so he knows he's not winning her heart he doesn't have to all he has to do is stay there long enough that maybe Luciano does something a little gay and maybe she wants the half

million dollars more than she wants maybe she doesn't he understands it's his only shot it's it's good gamesmanship he's also loosening up they're all drinking he's confident enough in his straightness that he starts playing gay chicken with dudes he's like hey let's touch each other handsome boy come on sit on my lap jackie does not like this also doesn't understand it. Yes. It's fucking up her process. She's like, damn it. That's the thing I was going to look for to detect the gays. And he's doing it sarcastically. This fucks up all my vibes. Okay. Now we cut to them in the hot tub. Luciano and Ryan are in the hot tub. And Eddie gets in in his tighty-whities. He does not have a swimsuit. Luciano senses the weird bro shit happening and just gets out of there. Now it's Ryan and Eddie playing gay chicken in the hot tub. But Eddie is not playing gay chicken. He is trying to fuck this man. He licks his neck and he's whispering Spanish in his ear. Not the kind of gay to be like, hey guys, look over here. This guy's gay. I think it's like, no, nobody's looking. Let's fuck. And so Ryan, he thinks he's figured this is kind of gay. This man's trying to have sex with me. So he runs into the house screaming, Eddie is gay like Paul Revere. He's like finally, finally conclusive proof of gay and he just cannot wait to share it with everybody. But yeah, this was a very intense pass made at him. I think he's right. It

was such a weird plan, though. Like, they're not going to let Jackie watch the playback like it's a football game you know like i don't know right this is just more deception layers for her she could he could be lying like why would she trust him

yeah do you believe ryan or is he just a little lying california piece of shit

no one believes him they're like what are you talking about he's like he tried to kiss me and they're like yeah okay pal shut up well,

because it's well established that he's a fucking psychopath. Because his first move earlier was to fart in someone's face. And,

okay, it worked. Eddie tried to fuck him. Yeah. I don't know if that's what he was going for.

But Eddie was into it. He lured him out. So Banks hates Ryan, for all the obvious reasons someone might hate Ryan. And starts talking shit about him. But Ryan is up on his like little window perch because this whole thing is a theatrical play. And he comes down to confront him. He's like, hey, what'd you say about me? He's like, dude, I said so much shit about you. I

believe that's his exact words. He's like, I was talking shit about you for like two hours. Were you up there listening like a naughty

little boy for two hours? It's very insecure. A lot of very insincere offers of violence. I would say it's all straight. Both these guys, I'm like, a lot of straight energy coming from these guys. Straight and

pussies. Yes, absolutely. Yes, 100%.

I mean, you don't talk for that long about how you are going to fight unless you're straight, I think. It was a very long conversation about how they would fight. But then

Banks handles it like a gay man. He's like, God, why did I get so mad? His take later was not like, I'm going to fuck that guy up. He's lucky I didn't fuck him up. He's like, God, I lost control. He handles it with a lot of responsibility and disappointment in himself. Which, again, kind of gay.

Being in touch with your feelings, like knowing what your emotions are, terribly gay.

Okay, say it sarcastically. In 2004, yes. Yeah, definitely.

It was like, this man has been to therapy. To have

basic emotional awareness, extremely gay. So they also edited it. So it looks like Jackie heard the whole thing. And I don't think she did, but like they got a shot of her like listening at the window. Maybe she was. I don't know. I just don't trust anything the show is doing. But I mean, to their credit, these are 12 men fighting over the same woman. Among these weird homophobic circumstances, it could have gotten uglier faster. The fact that it hasn't means a lot of them are not straight. I don't think it's all straight people is the point. Because one of them actually says to the camera, like, what if everybody here is straight and they're fucking with us? Which I thought, yeah, that's a great show. That's a better show.

Yeah, honestly, I think that things got so weird with Ryan that the producers intervened and were like, you need to kick him off. We fucked up. This guy

should hide. We blew it. We just found out about the murders. We should have known. His name's Ryan. It was right there.

So she has a swing date again with the people she thinks are the gayest, and that's Banks right now. Because he tried to pick a fight, but then didn't beat him up. So he already knows these are the kiss of death. He says this. She asked him what the deal was with the caveman shit. And he's, again, super reasonable, ashamed for his bad behavior, takes responsibility, very gay. But he doesn't kiss her goodbye. And that's the part where she's like, wait a second. He didn't kiss me.

Gay. The vibe of this from start to finish was like a definitely a school teacher dressing down. Like you need to be more responsible. Like, I don't think the appropriate thing to do would have been to kiss her after that. You don't kiss your principal goodbye after getting suspended. Yeah,

that's very true.

Unless that depends what you got suspended for.

If she was looking for a kiss, that was her bad for making it that way. The other swing date is Eddie, the man who tried to have sex with another man in the hot tub. He says the situation was revenge for Ryan farting on him. But his explanation is mostly Tasmanian devil. Like, he's like, sometimes when I get upset, I... She's like, that's a good point. That's a very good point.

Yeah, women love to hear how quick and out of control your temper is.

It's very straight, honestly.

Yeah. In Texas, that's a turn on.

Yeah. We also meet a guy named Alex here. They just introduced this fucking random guy named Alex. I'm like, oh, I guess he's getting eliminated because they haven't given him any screen time. He has

not been in the show. Yeah.

So she's watched a few guys get lassoed. Two of them almost make out. One of those guys almost get into a fist fight. She's like, I have enough to go on. Let's do the elimination. She burns through all the uninteresting ones. There's a part I really liked where Chad comes up and he says, the sexiest thing about you is your big heart. Ugh. Gross. Very gay. And I mean that in the 2004 way. Not a homosexual way, but like gay. Chris gets called gay for some pretty interesting reasons by Chad. We mentioned this earlier.

Chris. I

think Chris is definitely gay for two reasons. He says a lot

of S's with his words, and also he has blonde highlights. Nailed him.

The letter S is gay.

Blonde highlights in 2004. Also, fucking everybody had blonde highlights. Yeah, that was super not gay. The gays would not touch that.

Yeah, Justin Timberlake had blonde highlights, and he's the straightest man.

That was a real trashy straight thing to do.

Do you think, was he trying to say lisp? Because I did not pick up a lisp from Chris. I

think he just picked words S's in them. He's just like, that guy lives in Mississippi. Fuck that guy. That's a really gay state to live in. He has a lot of S's in his words. I've been counting.

Well, and I know right after that, they showed a clip of him saying something. And I can't remember what he said, but it had a lot. It had a lot of S's in it.

Yeah, he was right. It's got the S ratio. Pretty suspicious. Everybody knows about that. Luciano comes up and he's like trying to do this dumbass speech where he's like, please let me show more of who me are we can let to get to know better. And she's like, shut up. Stop it. Come here. Put it in me. Just fucking do it, Luciano. She literally

says shut up. And she puts her hands on his face again, like let me feel the bones of your beautiful head when it is not talking bradley comes up his speech

is i'm a fun a multifaceted kind of guy she says whatever like she's just glowing because she just recently touched luciano all these guys giving these stupid little speeches and she does not care she's just killing time and she can get plowed by luciano get the fuck out of my house you potential gaze waving

at luciano behind. I'll

be there in a minute. Just I got to get through these losers. Alice comes up and he's like, I know I'm kind of quiet, but please let me stay. She kicks him out for being introverted. She's learned from the first two eliminations that there's no good way to say, hey, I think you're gay. Get out of my life. She kicks him out for being introverted, does not even mention whether he's gay or straight. She asks him because that's scripted part of the show. Commercial break. is he gay? Comes back, this guy we've never met before is gay. She got him on the third try completely by accident. She's just like, you seem quiet, goodbye. Oh, he was a gay? Yeah,

that's where you can see her start

to frown

for the first time is just like, oh, I've met a gay man. That's not as fun as I thought it would be. Yep. But she didn't he was. No, nobody did. They

had clips from everybody saying, That's your win condition. You won. You shouldn't be so miserable. One dude said he didn't think he was gay because he was just boring.

Again, this is so offensive to straight people. Straight culture is just like the most boring person. I'm assuming that was a

straight man. Just Jesus. At first,

I thought this was kind of funny like oh she fucked up but like in hindsight it feels like if i was in her situation this would be the the biggest indicator right like because i imagine the casting directors didn't have as many choices of gay uh suitors especially ones that could play it that could pass as straight for multiple episodes. Can you imagine answering

that ad? Like, come to Texas and let us haunt the gays. No, like you, these all have to be terminally ill men to come to real prisoners. I

just think that looking for the most boring person is probably the best move. Listeners, if you ever find yourself on a game show about finding the secret gays, look for the most boring men. I feel like that's the hottest tip. Jackie's gang. The

whole time her and the host are hooking up.

Yeah, so Ryan is next and she's having a tough time knowing if he's gay or not. She kicks him off and he is straight. Duh. She kipped Eddie, the man who tried to fuck another man in the hot tub, and she kicked off the guy who said no. It's like what we're dealing with. Also, once she finds out he's straight, she's actually surprised and she says, oh, damn it, I'm sad I kicked him off because I thought we had a real connection. This fucking stupid idiot. Oh, you do not want to live. I

think she had to say that because she was scared that Ryan knew her address.

Yeah. Yes. He's a Ryan. Never suffer a Ryan to live.

I'm so glad we got through both episodes because I had so much fun watching these.

I'm assuming you have this sound clip. Otherwise, I'm going to deliver the line that this episode ends on.