How to Ask for Help

I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings today of Becky Blades – she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she’s basically run from the board room to the home room, she’s an artist herself, and she’s an inspiring and highly creative author of two books;

Her first book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone, Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening, which she wrote and illustrated, was named a Best Books of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. It received the prestigious Kirkus Starred Review and was an Amazon best seller for six consecutive years.

Now she’s written another wonderfully illustrated book (her own drawings and illustrations) entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I wanted it to be a real fresh-er-up-er for those of you wilting in the heat of the summer or fending off one more winter storm – dependent on your hemisphere. And the Next Big Idea Club  has selected it as one of  “the most essential nonfiction books of the year."

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger and a licensed private pilot – and I’m delighted not only to have her on SelfWork...  but to call her a friend.

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My TEDx talk that today has earned 72,000 views!

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My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford At SelfWork. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you, taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and I'm so excited about bringing you a friend of mine and someone that I truly, truly admire. Becky Blades. I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings of Becky today. Not only has she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she's basically run from the boardroom to the homeroom. She's an artist herself, and she's an inspiring and highly creative author of two books. Now, the first one was, do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone, subtitle being Advice Your Mom Would Give If She Thought You Were Listing. She not only wrote and illustrated that book, it was named a Best book of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. And it received the prestigious Kirkus starred Review and was an Amazon bestseller for six consecutive years.

Speaker 2:

That is a long time. Now, she's written another wonderfully illustrated book. Again, her own drawings and illustrations entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wanted it to be a real fresher upper for those of you who are wilting in this heat of the summer, or if you're in another hemisphere, fending off one more winter storm. Her point in this book is that we can get so afraid of failing, we don't start and starting is so important. In fact, she advocates being a startist. And this book also has high praise. It's been named a Must Read by the Next Big Idea Club, which by the way, the members of that club are Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Kane, and Daniel Pink, not bad company. And they call it one of the most essential non-fiction books of the year. It is truly inspiring.

Speaker 2:

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger, and a licensed private pilot. And I'm delighted not only to have her on SelfWork, but I'm lucky enough, like I said, to call her a friend.

Before we hear Becky's interview, let's hear from BetterHelp. So many people start or go back to therapy when their kids are starting school. And that's not too long from now. So everyone's starting something new. I'd recommend calling very early for a therapist in your locale, but with better help. You don't have to worry about that. They're ready to see you when you are ready to be seen.

Speaker 2:

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you. And you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help. And if you use the code or link Betterhelp.com/self work, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did. That. Link again is better help.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of surfaces.

Speaker 2:

And now I'm delighted, absolutely delighted to introduce you if you don't already know her. To Becky Blades. I was trying to remember when you and I met, was it at a midlife bloggers

Speaker 3:

Associated? It was at, it was at BlogHer that in San Jose.

Speaker 2:

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3:

And it was my first one. Do did you go to a lot of those? No,

Speaker 2:

I think I went to two. I went to the one there. I went to one in Chicago, I think, and then I went to that one I didn't go to anymore.

Speaker 3:

And who invited me were Mary

Speaker 2:

Mary Dell Harrington, and Mary

Speaker 3:

Darrell Harrington and Lisa Heffernan. And I had just put out that first book. And I, you know, gosh, I am, I'm, you know, everybody I met there was so nice. And I just have still loved maintaining those relationships.

Speaker 2:

Listen, I was so glad that I took the time to read all of your book because I just laughed and I smiled and I teared up a couple of times and you had me from the very beginning. Your artwork is just incredible. A line is a dot that wasn't, this is what you say, a line is a dot that wasn't afraid to get started. I mean, that's like,

Speaker 3:

I loved that. Yeah. And a dot can be a splatter. I mean, dots don't need to be neat, perfect little dots. They can be little cuddles.

Speaker 2:

I didn't remember that until it, then I refreshed my memory and I wrote it that you are also, you're an author, but you're an an artist and you're, you're, you really love combining those things. And can you, why don't you tell SelfWork listeners a little bit about you?

Speaker 3:

Okay. Yeah. I had a career in public relations, which came out of a degree in journalism. And so I've always liked writing. I didn't like being poor. So journalism wasn't, you know, the job that I wanted out out of school. I grew up poor. So I, I chose to find a way to make money in an, the agency business, the journalism public relations agency business. There were a lot of opportunities for creativity. So I started my own firm in when I was 30. Wow. And ran that for 13 years. And then when I, kind of parenting was at a, at a pitch that I wanted to be home and in, in my creative space at home more too, sold the business and started building what what we now call a portfolio lifestyle. So I had the business oh, I like

Speaker 2:

That name. I've never heard this

Speaker 3:

. Yeah. And, and, and then I had the, I had an art studio and I remember  - to kind of jump over to this book  - when I one time my soon after I sold the business, my daughters were talking, they came home from school and they wanted it an identity for me. 'Cause you know, kids talk what your mother do, you know, what does your mom do? So my youngest said, "Mom, what are you, are you an artist? Are you a business person?" And I said, "Honey, why do those labels matter?" And her sister from the other room said, "She's a startist" . 'cause I was starting some other businesses and you know, they got confused by how I dress different days. So, so during that time, I, I went through my first and second midlife crisis. First that empty nest crisis that, you know, and have been such a great expert on my first book was do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone.

Speaker 3:

And that was the subject line of the email I sent my daughter of all these journal entries with advice that I was kind of afraid to give her in person. So after she left for college, I sent it all to her. And, and then, you know, after that, I'm, I, I don't mind saying I'm 64 now. And those, these past 10 years of being kind of all, you know, almost the entire time empty, nested has given me the chance to really see how what I love and what I, who I love spending time with. And I've realized it's, it's people like you who when they think they wanna do a podcast, they'll just haul off and start it, or people have ideas and act on them. So

Speaker 2:

No, and the, the name of this book is Start More Than You Can Finish. And, and I so agreed with it. I, one of the things that I say to patients all the time is, it doesn't matter where you go, it's that you go Exactly. Just go, just make a choice. Just go. And I, I was just humming along with your book Thinking , I agree. .

Speaker 3:

And it's been fun to think about the mental health aspects, of course, you know, to, to make the case for something that seems as contrarian as this notion of start more than you can finish, you know, kind of in defiance of what our parents may have said. But the mental health aspects of creativity, we're learning more and more as you know about how creativity makes us flourish and thrive and, and the and then we have other things we can talk about, anxiety, depression as I studied the neuroscience of it, I, I decided, you know, I discovered hidden benefits that I didn't know I had been partaking in.

Speaker 2:

Wow. What are those?

Speaker 3:

Well, starting with self-discovery, self-esteem, getting out of anxiety and depression. I'll, I'll tell you a story that I haven't, it didn't make it in the book and I haven't told many people because it seems like kind of a downer, and we wanted the book to be upbeat. But part of my catalyst for writing the book was I was taking art lessons to domestic violence shelters. I did this for a few years. I, I didn't call it art therapy. Now they did because mm-hmm. All art is therapy, but I'm not a, I'm not a licensed therapist. Mm-Hmm. or an art therapist. But what I discovered in my time with those amazing women is that the thing that, that spectrum of creativity, I used to think it was started with, oh, oh, I'm not creative, and ended with, oh, I can start anything on a dime.

Speaker 3:

Well, the spectrum really starts way over in a place where we feel totally powerless. Totally. devoid of even knowing what we like. Right. What gives us joy, what our idea of beauty is, and our inability to make a decision. So this book is about starting, it's taking that first step, like you said, it's not where you go, it's that you go. And the example is, in the very first class, these women, all of them could not even make that first initial decision. I, I would kind of lay out a little project, very simple. I had all these enticing art supplies, but they literally needed my permission to choose a color. Like, what should I start with purple? Yes. Purple would be a great place to start. They had lost, I mean, they had literally had mm-hmm. the creativity beaten out of them because creativity is, it's trusting our own ideas and owning them, and then also having the, the courage to experiment and say, okay, you know, what? If purple doesn't work well, when we're terrified, when we're traumatized, when we're stuck, I don't think we have the courage to know that the stakes aren't that high. You know, if I choose color, if I choose purple and I don't like it, I can paint over it. Sure, of course. Or as I said, I'll give you another piece of paper .

Speaker 2:

That's a great point. It's that shutting down of, of risk of any, even, even how what, even no matter how tiny the risk, or seemingly tiny, it's not seemingly, it's not tiny to them. It's like, oh, right. I'm gonna make a choice and it's gonna be out here for other people to see. And yeah, it's right. But, you know, I, and you may

Speaker 3:

Not know, you know, I think when we're beaten down, we don't know what the risks are. There's this free floating sense of, I'm taking a chance, I'm doing something I haven't didn't do yesterday. So what might happen, because, you know, life doesn't treat us rationally. And for those women who had been, you know, abused, they, they had been abused for much less things than making a wrong color decision. Right. So the healing so to, you know, get back to your first big question was the, the ancillary benefits of acting on our ideas and following that creative process are things we don't even know we need, I think. And, and yet I could really see it dramatically with those, those women who, and this was another really fun thing, is that they came out of that so fast, so joyfully really, that just a few weeks, you know, just, you just give that affirmation that Yeah, purple would be great, and that looks great, and you know what, this other color might work too. And then they start with the self, with their own self-talk. And I mean, they just, those, those stays and those shelters aren't that long. So I only got to see 'em for a short period of time, but it was, it was fast and miraculous.

Speaker 2:

That's incredible. You know, I got my start in this business by volunteering at a domestic shelter. Oh.

Speaker 3:

So you get it.

Speaker 2:

Love so much so, so, so much. Anyway. Mm-hmm. , you know, I, I'm gonna quote you again. It's not that finishing isn't vital and great, but not finishing is not failure. And I, I love that because you know, how many times have I heard the phrase, well, that didn't work out like, that says something bad about me. I mean, you asked in the book to, to make a list of, you know, the things we've started and didn't finish. And to make, I mean, my first two marriages came to mind immediately,

Speaker 3:

,

Speaker 2:

I finished them, but

Speaker 2:

Not in, not in the way that I thought I was going to. And, and I mean, I carried those around with such shame for so long mm-hmm. that that wasn't okay. And and it's not ideal, perhaps, but it, you know, I learned something along the way. And then, but I, I love the fact that in the book, you also take time to say, all right, stop reading or, you know, whatever. And, and let's apply this. Let's, what can you do? Mm-Hmm. , what can you do with, with your, and you have four stages, you imagine, think, decide, and act. Which, you know, I, I think when people, a lot of people hear the word well, just imagine, just imagine mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , that feels like real shaky ground to just imagine. Mm.

Speaker 3:

Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm. mm-hmm. . And if we imagine and some people are really good at that part mm-hmm. , but some people, that is the toughest part because they imagine very small. They only imagine with the reality that they can touch and hold Right. Then. some people are great imagining and they imagine backwards, you know, they only pull from what they've already been able to do. So what, what I do with those four steps was research and find out how to do them better to, to start better and start more. So imagining it really comes down to imagining more and bigger the, the more we noodle and think about how things might be a future reality, which we're all gonna have, you know, we're gonna have a future anyway. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Speaker 3:

. So why not imagine it in all the, and it's all, its glorious colors and possibilities.

Speaker 2:

You know, I'm, I'm thinking about your work on Dreams with Start. I love that book. That, that's a great word. You, you, you should thank your daughter , because it says to write down your dreams, but then you very quickly said, but I don't have enough something. I don't have enough. Mm-Hmm. time. I don't have enough money, I don't have enough talent. I don't how whatever it is that you convince yourself to, to stop dreaming.

Speaker 3:

Exactly. It's, it's the, the answer to the question. The answer to the question. Why haven't you started that thing? And I asked actual people, art students of mine create very creative people after they told me something they wanted to do, I asked them why they hadn't started. And the answer was always, I don't have enough blank. They, they would word the answer many different ways. Sure. It could be confidence, like, I don't think I can do it. You don't have enough confidence. Right. enough permission, enough validation, you know, space and permission could be just from your family to think that you could take the time away for yourself. Mm-Hmm. to do that. I call that enough permission. You know, and, and obviously money and time are the big ones. Sure.

Speaker 3:

But we do have enough to start those things. That was the big learning. I think the big aha in the research was if you've started anything, like you probably didn't know that you'd be doing a podcast for this long pss I can, I've decided I can never do a podcast. I . So respect the ability to all the skills that come into this. But when you started your first one a start only thinks, thinks mostly about how I will start it, how I will do the first step. Yeah. And that is the healthy way. If you think your finish, if your finish was to get it produced and get it picked up by a big syndicate, you would not think you had enough of whatever to do that. And

Speaker 2:

I was determined to do at least eight podcasts because I was told in my class that that was the average number of podcasts that people do before they finish before they start

Speaker 3:

Really? Eight. Eight. Wow.

Speaker 2:

Eight. And so when I got to nine, I thought, oh, why ?

Speaker 3:

See, there you go. And what if you hadn't known those numbers? That's fascinating. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I I just, the support you give in the book and the humor and the asking people to look at themselves, I you know, you, you sort of break down these four parts, the imagine, think, decide, and act, and you you said, thinking brings ideas to life, not overthinking. What do you mean by that?

Speaker 3:

Not overthinking? Well, you may be familiar with, you know, all the research that mm-hmm. says that when we, that we are programmed, how would you state it? That we are, we are engineered for security as, as species, we're engineered for survival. So there's an, a natural avoidance to risk, which is healthy. Mm-Hmm. . So if we let ourselves to think, think too long, so we go to that imagining place and we're very successful and imagine something wonderful, then the next step is we think about it. We think about how that future state looks into reality. How would we do it? Where would we start? How long will it take? Who do I need to, you know, kinda warn about this? Sure. In that it is that process where we talk ourselves out of it, and we really do a number on ourselves be, and the more perfectionist a person is, the better or worse they, they do that part. So I, you know, I say imagine more, think less. Because the truth is that even if you plan, if you're thinking involves this elaborate detailed plan, the minute you start something, that plan changes. I,

Speaker 2:

I wrote that reality,

Speaker 3:

Circled it. Reality is a big old truth pill. And we cannot, we cannot predict it.

Speaker 2:

Mm-Hmm. No, we cannot. So like I have that in red, circled in red plans change as soon as you start. And you also talked, there was a section that I, I maybe 'cause of my theater experience, but you talked about how they're tenets of improv improvisation that are really important for start. Mm-Hmm. and I, I've done a little bit of improvisation, and it is, it's not easy . 'cause One of these things that you brought up, you, you know, you have to just say yes and yes. And it's a rule of agreement. And then you Oh, don't tell. There are no mistakes. And you stay in the moment, like you said it, it's like somebody can just start, an audience member will say, okay, we're gonna talk about diaries and cowboys.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Somebody has to start something about a diary and a cowboy. And it may not make any sense. It is like, you have no idea where they're going, but you, you, you say something and you bring along. And then, oh, and then there was a, there was another cowboy, but he had a black horse, but he wanted a white. I mean, it's just, it's, it's, yeah. Then the story evolves. And so it's, I I loved that. Maybe, I don't know, is it an analogy, a metaphor that this

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Creation is like improv.

Speaker 3:

And you know, the best quote I heard in my interviews with those people is it's about what we do, but mostly it's about what we do with what we did. So that first step, again, the stakes are reduced. You just gotta do something. It's throwing the mud on the wall. It's on an improv stage. There are like five actors, somebody has to say the first thing mm-hmm. , that takes courage. But really the hardest job is the person that says the second thing. Sure. . Or maybe it's easiest because then you have something to respond to. So we need to give ourselves something to respond to, to really flesh out our ideas. And I mean, I also learned that all kind of comedy really works like that because, you know, finding out what makes other people laugh is an exploration. You think, oh, this might make me laugh, but you don't know. 'cause You're hearing it on your, in your own head. So Exactly. My husband's taken to doing open mic nights. And

Speaker 2:

That's brave. That,

Speaker 3:

That is brave. It's also brave to be in the audience of those because it's, it's usually young men who who have, have lost their mothers laughing at them. So they're, you know, they don't know what's funny, but they're willing to, at, at late night climb on a stage and tell jokes and for taste. But what happens is that's how, that's how comedy's worked out. And even the, even the best joke writers, you know, go on stage over and over again before they will go lifetime Yeah. And tweak this and try that and shorten this. And, and that's, you know, that is the creative process. It's iterative, it's exploratory, it's curiosity. And I mean, I think mental health wise, I too believe when you, when you, when I am mentally healthy, I am my most curious Exactly. When we're shut down, we're, we're not curious.

Speaker 2:

But it's also an external energy. It's, it's going energy from internal traveling externally. When you're curious because you are either, whether it's how you make a good glass of iced tea. I'm sitting here looking at my i d or whether it's gosh, I, you know, I'm interested in what those green books are behind her. You know, it's, it's, you are, you're engaging with something. Maybe it's an idea or a person or a thing that's not, but you are, you, your focus is outward.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. I never thought of that, that way. That's, that makes sense. Which is a

Speaker 2:

Antidote to depression for sure. Hmm. And in many ways, anxiety, because you have to be in the moment. You have to be, whereas anxiety puts you into the future. Hmm. So what, tell me what you learned about yourself in, in writing this book.

Speaker 3:

Oh gosh. I learned that the very beginning of the research was learning that all of my unfinished business, and I'm doing air quotes visually here was were treasures. And that when I, you know, we rarely let ourselves dig back into the things that didn't go forward. You know, even things I didn't consider failures or unfinished, I just forgot about them. Mm-Hmm. . I just saw the link to how they made me who I am. And the big finishes in my life, the big finishes always had some roots and some unfinished business from, I found my college art supplies. As when you're, when you write and make art, you have all these records back there. Now, you may not have, in other types of curiosity, in other types of creativity like gardening or cooking, you may forget those things you tried. And so I think what I learned is I need to memorialize and celebrate my starts more.

Speaker 3:

And I do now. The, the rationale for this book was to to help other people that don't act on their ideas and make those people more fun companions, in a way. . And I had, and one of the things I found is after I sold my business, people were saying to me like, what are you, what have you, what are you doing now? What have you finished lately? They didn't use those words, but I could hear that people thought I had a lot of plates spinning. I do have a lot of plates spinning. That's something I'm good at. I'm good at starting things and, you know, maybe I could be the world expert because I have all the failures, and now they're documented. I do probably have a d d there are maybe not the, I

Speaker 2:

Was just about to ask you about that. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

. Yeah. but I no longer, I do not let people shame me about things that I started that are in a pause button. Mm-Hmm. , you know, because when we, like, the, the big lovely lesson or gift I hope this book gives people is that there is every benefit and very low price to, to trying something and setting it aside for another day for trying it and finding out, Hey, I don't really like that. I have a couple of big things I could have totally not what

Speaker 2:

I thought it would be, or would've

Speaker 3:

, or I scratch that itch and I'm good. And oh, what a, just a, it's just a glorious way to live. And that's how I wanna live the rest of my life. And I wanna do it with people who feel the same way and are not, and, and, you know, that feed off of me and I feed off of them. So after my first book, you, you may have experienced this too. People will come to you who have the same kind of dreams. Maybe they wanna start a practice, start a podcast, start a book, and they'll say, you know, I have, "I saw your book. I, I, you know, I think I could write a book like that." And so I would say, "Oh gosh, you should1"  You know, advice is personal. Everybody could write an advice book and about one in 10, and, and this bears out in other research, about one in 10 people will actually act on an idea that's even fully formulated.

Speaker 3:

And, and I would try to help them. And, and you could just see that they ditch the others that were not gonna act on it. They had taken it as far as they wanted to go, and there was not a whole lot you could do for them. So that's what I wanna change. They had, they had, you know, is that mindset that says I can't start it unless I have made room in my life mm-hmm. to be an author. I can't start a book unless I've made room in my life to add a writing practice, find a publisher, whatever they think writing a book is. Yeah. And, you know, so

Speaker 2:

And it's funny, I, I had lunch with someone that was interested in the TEDx process and was asking me about it. And she's starting to write a book and, and, or she wants to. And she was asking me all about that. And this is a very I, I feel like I'm having the same conversation twice this morning or this afternoon, Uhhuh because she is kind of at that place of, well, I don't know how I'm gonna make room for it. I wanna do it. And I have had this idea for a long time, but, and I looked at her and I said, "you know, start this afternoon."  You know, make, did you

Speaker 3:

Good for you. I

Speaker 2:

Said, if you've got 10 minutes, just take 10 minutes.

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

Just start jotting down some ideas and you don't have to what's the word I'm looking for? You know, you, you don't have to corral the time or say, okay, I'm gonna have gonna do this in on it. It's like, if you just put some consistent energy into it, it, it's gonna grow. It's just a, it's just exactly watering the idea every now and then so that it, it has, it can sustain you with time away from it. But you also, when you get back to it, you go, oh, oh, I hadn't thought about that. And

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

It, it's, it's, it's kind of refreshing. It's, it's like having a, starting a conversation and realizing the more you have it, the more you really value it. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. And that's adding something. So

Speaker 3:

It's like such sort the Nik effect which I wrote about a little.

Speaker 2:

Yes. I had never heard of that.

Speaker 3:

I mean, it's just that, it's just what you said. Once you make it real, once you tell your brain, we're gonna do this, or I have a problem if, if we accept it and don't say like, those nine out of 10 people said, I'm probably not gonna do this. If you're one of the ones that said, "Okay, I'm writing a book" -  whatever you declare as starting maybe that's writing your first two sentences, our brain tells us, our brain gets the message that they're on the job. Yeah. And subconsciously we are homing devices to pieces of information, to problem solving help, to meeting people. You know, you meet somebody and you think, oh, like, did they just say something about a book? Are they an author? You know, we are, we're, we wonder, we think there's new information coming out, we're just zeroed into it. Sure. And that we, you know, that happens all the time in our lives. And that effect it's also responsible for the thing that happens after we're done with something. Like we're done studying for tests. We take the test, it's over, and all that information just dumps out more . Yes.

Speaker 2:

It just goes away.

Speaker 3:

Well consider the opposite of that true for something that we've started and we haven't finished. So if you, if you take that fall smallest first step, declare it started, the world gives us a bling bag full of gifts. And that's, that's really why I say that the more we start the better and the, even if we start things that are very short term and finish 'em, start a limerick, start a, a soup , things that we, but declare that muscle in ourselves that says, you know, just like it was your instinct to say, start this afternoon. Very few people would say that, but it's that instinct that gets our ideas out and flowing. Mm-Hmm. ,

Speaker 2:

I, I just, I, I really felt very supported. And I, I think if, if you're interested in this and you, you wanna get Becky's book, it is, it is, it is an, it's not, it's not a hard read at all. What is, what is compelling about it to me is that it does go against so much of what many of us are taught that mm-hmm. You know, you don't wanna start something and not finish it because, you know, that means that you're wasting time or you're wasting energy. Mm-Hmm. shame yourself for that. And, and rather than saying, well, what did I learn when I started that I learned this. And so when I start the next thing, I may start it a little differently, or I may, I don't know. I mean, it just gives you information. One of the things that I, I have people say to me all the time when they're trying to make changes, they'll say, well, this isn't really a big deal, but I go, wait, wait, wait. Yes. It's, it's a big deal. .

Speaker 3:

Yeah. What you're just

Speaker 2:

About to say is a big deal. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And, and you know, a clarification on the finish start more than you can finish. What, and you, because you brought up di divorces in that example of something that wasn't finished or could have been called failure mm-hmm. , because what's the finish? What, what I'd like to say, it doesn't make a very pithy title, but start more than you can finish just exactly as you plan to everything has its finish. But great

Speaker 2:

Point. What

Speaker 3:

We don't start because we don't think we can finish as planned. If somebody said, "You're gonna have eight years with a person who you love for six of them, and you learn all these things for each other from each other" you know, maybe you can make that decision to not start because you didn't like that finish. But that's not how things work. And relationships are very creative undertaking. So in many ways, a relationship is a very good example. Yeah. a courageous creative start. So anyway, it's not, it's not don't finish. Finishing is always the end game. We wouldn't, you know, you don't start something you don't want to finish, but it, it's just a, it's just trying to trick that. Because I think when our parents said, "Don't start more than you can finish, don't bite off more than you could chew," they did not make us finish more. They only made us start less.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

They just didn't wanna mess left out .

Speaker 2:

Right, right. Wow. I wonder how you think this affects the newer, the younger generations. This don't start because they, you know, one of the things that I read a lot about, and then I have a 28 year old, so I'm somewhat in touch with what's hopefully in touch with what's in his world, is that they have not, there's been so much comparison with what other people have started around the world where I knew maybe somebody in Little Rock, you know, in Arkansas, and I was in Pine Bluff and oh, well, you know, I, I didn't know what somebody was doing in Bangkok or, or Toronto or California. I knew my little group of friends and that was it. And, and yet, so maybe some of this don't start anxiety is also about, well, what am I spo, you know, how do I compare what I'm starting to, what somebody else is starting or mm-hmm. , whatever

Speaker 3:

The biggest learning I had about that and this generation, and remember this was, this book was pretty much done when Covid hit. And the data then on business starts, particularly by young people, was on a 25 year decline. Really. And the research showed that that really came from how we're raising our kids. We no longer say, "Yes, Joey, you can have a lemonade stand. I don't have time to help you, but go for it". No, now we are, we are over parenting. We are trying to get kids in the, in the right schools. So my kids didn't do a lemonade stand after they were four because they were on club soccer teams because, or the debate team, because maybe they could get a scholarship. It was we have very structured instead of free range childhoods. Right. So how do you, you know, it just, it's a subliminal message that there's not time for your ideas. 'cause You have to follow society's schedule. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 2:

mm-hmm. .

Speaker 3:

That's my hunch. And I think it's tragic. So, but then now there have to, and, and then Covid necessitated this boom in business starts because a business start is also, you know, your son starting a freelance business because he has to in Covid. Now, you know, it, it remains to be seen whether those starts will be sustained or whether they were just out of necessity. But that is a good, that is a reason for this rally cry, is that our kids are gonna need to start whole careers for themselves. Mm-Hmm. , I mean, we know things aren't going back the way they were. So that statistic, energy and confidence needs to be nurtured. And they've, they've gotta reduce their risks of trying something, not liking it and then trying something else. It's

Speaker 2:

Pulling on your face. I mean, you know, it's just, oh, well this didn't work out quite as way, I thought. Yeah,

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly. And then again, start something else. , so mm-hmm. . Yeah. Well, I I love your book again. It's called Start More Than You Can Finish. I created Permission Slip to unleash your Best Ideas. The art is absolutely delightful in it. Oh, I'm so glad. I'm as to the enjoyment and pleasure of the book. You know, I told you that I couldn't, I I didn't want to interview you ne last week because I had not had a chance to actually read all of it. And I was so glad that I took the time. I'm too, I just had this real excitement about it. And I, and I hope self work listeners will check it out and and see what it holds for you. And Becky, I couldn't thank you more for being on self work. Thank you so very much.

Speaker 3:

It was so fun to reconnect. Thank you, Dr. Margaret.

Speaker 2:

You betcha.

Speaker 2:

I know you enjoyed that interview. Isn't Becky absolutely fantastic?. I wanna remind you that we now have episode transcripts at the end of every episode of Self Work. I don't know why I haven't done that in the past. It's really been far easier to do do it than I imagined. And so I apologize in many ways to those of you who may struggle with hearing like I do because I have tinnitus. And if I can find a way to add in other episode transcripts, I will. But at least for now, each episode of Self-Work has its own episode transcript. I also wanna remind those of you who maybe haven't subscribed to my website@drmargaretrutherford.com, you can get a free ebook called The Seven Commandments of Good Therapy. But most importantly, you get one weekly newsletter from me, just one, and it offers to you both my weekly blog posts, which some of you may be interested in reading.

Speaker 2:

I write one still every week, or sometimes we revamp an old one to bring it up to speed and make it applicable to today. And then of course, this podcast and any other news or information that I think you might be interested in, love to have you join, you can subscribe at the website. So now the subscription or the subscribe now is basically embedded when you scroll through the website. It's much easier than it was and I hope far less irritating. But I'd love to have you as a member of my newsletter, thank you to those of you who've listened to my TEDx talk as I record this. We are right at 63,000 views and wow, that's incredible. So keep 'em coming if you can. If you haven't watched I'd so appreciate you going to YouTube, Dr. Margaret Rutherford and TEDx, and you'll get the talk. Or you can go to my Instagram page and you'll see it in the links. That's instagram.com/dr. Margaret Rutherford. Thanks so much for being here. Again, my immense gratitude to you, and I hope this in every episode is helpful to you. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been self work.

 

 

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