How To Feel Your Feelings (So They Stop Controlling You)
Perfectionism Rewired
Understanding Emotional Complexity: Tools for Different Moods
This chapter delves into the nuances of emotional regulation and critiques the idea that meditation is a one-size-fits-all solution. It introduces the mood meter concept to emphasize the need for tailored approaches to different emotions, while also addressing misconceptions about the relationship between thoughts and feelings.
What if feeling your feelings didn’t mean falling apart — but actually gave you more control, not less? If white knuckling or pushing through is the best way you know how to feel your feelings. You’re not alone.Discover the hidden mistake keeping perfectionists stuck feeling on edge, why you can never outthink your feelings and the right way to feel your feelings.
Want to bring rewiring into your reality? Where being confident, certain and playful is just how you roll? Perfectionist Solutions 1-1 coaching is your next step.
Mentioned In Episode 254:
- Perfectionism Optimized 1 to 1 coaching
- PerfectionismRewired.com
Other helpful podcast episodes in this series on How Your Brain Actually Works:
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 248
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 249
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 250
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 251
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 252
- Perfectionism Rewired Ep. 253
Timestamps:
00:00-Your thoughts create your feelings LIE #1
01:53-Can't Feel Your Feelings Without This
04:14-Knowing how your brain actually works
05:24-"What is Wrong With Me?" Explained
06:37-Feelings Are Psychological LIE #2
07:16-Feelings are Emotions LIE #3
08:56-Where Feelings Actually Come From
10:08-How Depersonalizing Feelings = Freedom
12:46-Turning Mom Meltdown Moments Around (Manon's Story)
14:35-How To Control Your Feelings
16:01-Rational Thinking + Decisions LIE #4
17:32-Striving For Excellence Without Pushing Through
18:29-What Your Person Account Has To Do With Feelings
19:41-How To Identify Your Feelings Fast
21:12-How To Feel Your Feelings Visual Tool
22:33-Why Meditation + Deep Breaths Don’t Always Work
23:58-Thoughts Drive Your Feelings LIES #5
25:57-Perspectacles How Feelings Shape Your Perceptions
28:37-Turning Your Mood into Useful Fuel
30:07-Where Sense Data Fits Into The Equation
How To Feel Your Feelings Q&A
Q: Why does “changing my thoughts” never changes my feelings—especially as a perfectionist? A: This episode breaks down the myth that thoughts drive feelings (hint: it’s the other way around!). Discover why “thought work” is a torture device for perfectionidtic people and how the “CTFAR Model” does not actually work for any human with a brain
Q: What’s really going on when I’m overwhelmed by emotions even if everything looks fine on the outside? A: You’ll learn the neuroscientific difference between feelings and emotions, plus why this distinction puts an to the cycle of overthinking feelings and asking “what is wrong with me”
Q: What's the biggest misconception high-achievers have about feelings? A: Most of us have a totally backward understanding of where feelings come from (and it’s not just psychological!). Courtney reveals the real, science-backed answer.
Q: How can I feel my feelings without getting “lost” in them or falling apart? A: Tune in for a client success story and discover a practical tool—the “mood meter”—to help you regain control and function, even on tough days.
Q: Does thinking rationally mean I can escape feelings? A: Logic and rationality can’t bypass feelings. Find out why every decision (yes, even the “rational” ones!) are shaped by your mood — and how to use this knowledge to your advantage.
Q: What’s one quick, practical tweak I can use to feel better fast? A: Courtney shares micro-strategies (think 30 seconds to 3 minutes) you can use right away to change your mood—and your experience.
Highly Credible Resources Cited in this Episode
- Bar, M. (2009). The proactive brain: memory for predictions. *Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B Biological Sciences*, *364*(1521), 1235–1243. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2008.0310
- Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Barrett, L. F. (2006). Valence is a basic building block of emotional life. Journal of Research in Personality, 40(1), 35–55. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2005.08.006
- Barrett, L. F. (2016). The theory of constructed emotion: an active inference account of interoception and categorization. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, nsw154. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsw154
- Barrett, L. F., & Bar, M. (2009). See it with feeling: affective predictions during object perception. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 364(1521), 1325–1334. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2008.0312
- Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you're feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion, 15(6), 713–724. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930143000239
- Barrett, L. F., & Russell, J. A. (1999). The Structure of Current Affect. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8(1), 10–14. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00003
- Braem, S., Coenen, E., Klaas Bombeke, Bochove, van, & Wim Notebaert. (2015). Open your eyes for prediction errors. *Cognitive Affective & Behavioral Neuroscience*, *15*(2), 374–380. https://doi.org/10.3758/s13415-014-0333-4
- Bobba-Alves, N., Juster, R.-P., & Picard, M. (2022). The energetic cost of allostasis and allostatic load. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 146, 105951. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2022.105951
- Cesario, J., Johnson, D. J., & Eisthen, H. L. (2020). Your Brain Is Not an Onion With a Tiny Reptile Inside. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 29(3), 255–260. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721420917687
- Clark, A. (2013). Whatever next? Predictive brains, situated agents, and the future of cognitive science. *Behavioral and Brain Sciences*, *36*(3), 181–204. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x12000477
- Gendron, M., Lindquist, K. A., Barsalou, L., & Barrett, L. F. (2012). Emotion words shape emotion percepts. Emotion, 12(2), 314–325. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026007
- Hoemann, K., Gendron, M., & Barrett, L. F. (2022). Assessing the Power of Words to Facilitate Emotion Category Learning. Affective Science, 3(1), 69–80. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-021-00084-4
- Kleckner, I. R., Zhang, J., Touroutoglou, A., Chanes, L., Xia, C., Simmons, W. K., Quigley, K. S., Dickerson, B. C., & Feldman Barrett, L. (2017). Evidence for a large-scale brain system supporting allostasis and interoception in humans. Nature Human Behaviour, 1(5). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-017-0069
- Mattes, A., Mück, M., & Stahl, J. (2023). Perfectionism-related variations in error processing in a task with increased response selection complexity. *Personality neuroscience*, *5*, e12. https://doi.org/10.1017/pen.2022.3
- Sullivan, W. T. (1990). Outward Searchers: SETI Pioneers . Scientists Talk about Their Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. DAVID W. SWIFT. University of Arizona Press, Tucson, 1990. xiv, 436 pp., illus. $35. Science, 250(4978), 303–303. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.250.4978.303-a
Perfectionism Rewired is committed to truth and accuracy through a perfectionist affirming lens, offering cutting-edge research on perfectionism, interoception + neuroscience, for the practical perfectionist who wants to enjoy the life they've worked so hard to create.
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