Optimality Theory?

I took a picture of like a mid-surgical view of someone's head and then I just traced over it. That's your map? Really, this city is called Petrograd. But all of the inhabitants call it hypothalamus. People's moms love me. Why does it sound like there's a hairdryer? Sometimes I catch myself being really slow. So what's that theory thing where it's based on like the features but they're kind of in a tree format? No. What? That doesn't make any sense. It's not optimality theory. We're not professional linguists. We only play them on a podcast.