254: What is FAFO Parenting? The 9 Most Important Things Parents Should Know
Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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Fostering Collaborative Parenting for Stronger Relationships
This chapter highlights the significance of understanding and addressing the underlying needs in parenting rather than just imposing limits. It advocates for a collaborative approach that enhances problem-solving skills and strengthens the bond between parent and child, ultimately fostering a nurturing environment for healthy future relationships.
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If you've been scrolling TikTok or parenting forums lately, you've probably encountered FAFO parenting - the trending approach that's being positioned as the antidote to ‘overly permissive’ gentle parenting. Standing for ‘F*** Around and Find Out,’ this parenting style centers on letting children experience harsh consequences without parental intervention, even when parents could easily prevent those consequences.
But is FAFO parenting actually effective, or does it create more problems than it solves? In this comprehensive episode, we explore what FAFO parenting really looks like in practice, examine the research behind popular parenting approaches, and uncover why both FAFO and traditional gentle parenting often miss the mark.
Most importantly, we'll discover collaborative alternatives that meet both children's developmental needs and parents' legitimate needs - without the exhaustion of scripted responses or the relationship damage of harsh consequences.
Jump to highlights 01:23 Introduction of today’s podcast 02:33 What FAFO parenting looks like 06:07 FAFO parenting confuses punishment with consequences 10:33 FAFO parenting may damage the parent-child relationship 11:53 Research shows us that children thrive when they have a secure relationship with their caregivers 15:55 What people actually mean when they say ‘gentle parenting’? 22:39 The real reasons behind kids' behavior challenges that FAFO parenting misses 27:52 FAFO parenting often encourages children to lie and hide mistakes rather than being honest, since telling the truth leads to unpleasant consequences 32:33 FAFO parenting sees stopping undesirable behavior as more important than understanding it 47:39 FAFO parenting skips over the possibility of meeting both people's needs. It assumes that when there's a conflict, someone has to lose and usually that someone is the child 51:27 An open invitation for Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 52:51 Wrapping up the discussion References
Questions this episode will answer
What does FAFO parenting actually mean? FAFO stands for "F*** Around and Find Out" - an approach where parents let children experience unpleasant consequences without intervention, believing this teaches better decision-making. What are real examples of FAFO parenting in action? Examples include letting a child walk home in the rain without a coat, throwing away toys left on the floor, and making children buy their own underwear after accidents. Why is FAFO parenting gaining popularity among parents? Parents exhausted by gentle parenting scripts and constant negotiation are attracted to FAFO's apparent simplicity and the promise of teaching children through direct consequences. What's the difference between consequences and punishments in parenting? Authentic consequences happen naturally (getting cold without a jacket), while punishments are artificially created by parents (throwing away toys, withholding food, or requiring that kids replace underwear they’ve soiled). Does gentle parenting actually create "soft" children? Research doesn't support this claim. Most of what's called "gentle parenting" online is actually scripted control, and a fear of children’s big feelings, not truly responsive parenting. Why might children lie more when parents use FAFO approaches? When honesty consistently leads to harsh consequences parents could prevent, children learn that hiding problems is safer than seeking help. What really causes behavioral challenges in today's children? Multiple factors including increased academic pressure, reduced recess, economic stress, social media impact, and less community support - not parenting styles alone (or screen time alone either!). Is authoritative parenting really the "gold standard" research proves? The original authoritative parenting research included spanking and only compared four control-based approaches, missing collaborative alternatives that work even better.What you'll learn in this episode
The hidden problems with FAFO parenting that can damage parent-child relationships: Discover how this approach can increase lying, reduce trust, and position parents as adversaries rather than allies in their children's development. Why most "gentle parenting" isn't actually gentle: Learn how scripted validation and sweetener offers are really just "control with lipstick," and why this approach exhausts parents without meeting children's real needs. The real reasons behind children's challenging behaviors: Understand the complex factors affecting today's kids, from school pressure to reduced community support, and why behavior is often communication about unmet needs. How to move beyond the false choice between "tough" and "soft" parenting: Explore collaborative approaches that set effective boundaries while maintaining connection, using curiosity about underlying needs rather than reactive consequences. Alternatives that work better than both FAFO and scripted gentle parenting: Discover practical tools for meeting both parents' and children's psychological needs through creative problem-solving. How your parenting approach shapes the culture your family creates: Learn why the methods you choose today influence not just compliance, but the kind of adults your children become and the world they'll help create. Ready to move beyond the parenting extremes and discover what actually builds cooperation, trust, and resilience in children? Listen now to transform your approach from managing behavior to building relationships that last. Other episodes mentionedJump to highlights 01:23 Introduction of today’s podcast 02:33 What FAFO parenting looks like 06:07 FAFO parenting confuses punishment with consequences 10:33 FAFO parenting may damage the parent-child relationship 11:53 Research shows us that children thrive when they have a secure relationship with their caregivers 15:55 What people actually mean when they say ‘gentle parenting’? 22:39 The real reasons behind kids' behavior challenges that FAFO parenting misses 27:52 FAFO parenting often encourages children to lie and hide mistakes rather than being honest, since telling the truth leads to unpleasant consequences 32:33 FAFO parenting sees stopping undesirable behavior as more important than understanding it 47:39 FAFO parenting skips over the possibility of meeting both people's needs. It assumes that when there's a conflict, someone has to lose and usually that someone is the child 51:27 An open invitation for Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 52:51 Wrapping up the discussion References
The Cut article: Petrow, J. (2023, March 22). Is gentle parenting effective? The Cut. https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/is-gentle-parenting-effective.html
New York Times article: Blinder, A. (2015, April 1). Atlanta educators convicted in school cheating scandal. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/us/verdict-reached-in-atlanta-school-testing-trial.html
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