Why saying yes to unwanted sex is harmful

What happens when we say yes to sex we don't actually want? In this deeply insightful exploration of "duty sex," I sit down with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fyfe to unpack the profound psychological impact of consenting to unwanted sexual experiences in long-term relationships.

My research has uncovered troubling patterns: when partners (particularly women in this study) consistently consent to sex they don't desire, it creates harmful dynamics that damage both individuals and their relationship. Far from being a simple matter of compromise, these patterns often stem from cultural and religious teachings that frame men as having sexual "needs" and women as responsible for fulfilling them.

Dr. Finlayson-Fyfe brings her expertise as both a PhD in counseling psychology and an LDS relationship coach to challenge our assumptions about sexual desire. She eloquently reframes sexual avoidance not as a disorder but as potential wisdom—your body signaling that something fundamental isn't working in your relationship. We examine how psychological control can create trauma-like responses even without physical coercion, and how both partners often unknowingly contribute to these dynamics.

The conversation takes a hopeful turn as we discuss pathways toward healthier sexuality. We explore how desire naturally thrives in freedom rather than obligation, and how developing what Dr. Finlayson-Fyfe calls "sexual integration" requires cultivating an internal compass rather than merely following external authorities. For couples caught in these patterns, change becomes possible when both partners can honestly examine their contributions and take responsibility for creating something mutually satisfying.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. Her teaching and coaching focus on helping LDS individuals and couples create greater connection and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.

In addition to her private practice, Dr. Finlayson-Fife has created five empowering and highly-reviewed online courses. Each course was designed to give LDS individuals and couples the tools requisite to creating healthier lives and stronger intimate relationships. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also offers many workshops and retreats where she teaches these life-changing principles in person.

Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health, and faith. She is also the creator and host of Room for Two, a popular sex and intimacy coaching podcast.