Should Parents Talk to Children About Trauma?

  Do you ever snap at your child over tiny things, and wonder where that intense anger comes from? You're not alone - and there's actually a scientific explanation for why this happens.   What you're experiencing might be intergenerational trauma - the way traumatic experiences and their effects get passed down from parents to children, often without us even realizing it. But here's the hopeful part: understanding how this works is the first step to breaking the cycle.   In this episode, I talk with Dr. Rebecca Babcock-Fenerci, a clinical psychologist from Stonehill College who researches exactly how trauma transmits across generations and what we can do about it. She explains the science behind the reasons our brains react so strongly to certain parenting situations, and why some survivors seem to come through trauma unscathed while others struggle daily. Most importantly, she helps us to examine some of the ways we can recognize the impact of this trauma on ourselves. And with this awareness and the right tools, we can heal these patterns and create the calm, connected relationships with our children that we've always wanted.  

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is the definition of intergenerational trauma? Dr. Babcock-Fenerci explains that intergenerational trauma occurs when parents who experienced trauma pass both the direct traumatic experiences and the psychological consequences (like PTSD, mood disorders, and disrupted attachment) to their children through various mechanisms including genetics, epigenetics, and parenting behaviors.   How is trauma actually passed down through generations? Trauma transmits through multiple pathways: genetic predisposition, epigenetic changes (where experiences turn genes on or off), trauma-related thought patterns in parents, and when children serve as unconscious trauma reminders that trigger the parent's unprocessed emotions and memories.   Why do some trauma survivors seem fine while others struggle a lot more? Individual responses vary based on genetic predisposition, personality differences, other life stressors, and the severity/duration of the trauma. Even siblings in the same family can have completely different outcomes due to these complex interactions between genetics and environment.   Should parents talk to their children about their trauma history? The answer lies between two extremes - never talking about it can prevent healing, while over-sharing inappropriately can cause vicarious trauma. Parents should consider the child's developmental stage, let children's questions guide conversations, and think through the purpose and potential impact before sharing.   What are common anger triggers for parents with trauma history? Parents often get triggered by situations that unconsciously remind them of their own childhood experiences - like children repeating behaviors, not listening, or general parenting situations that activate old trauma memories. The key is gaining insight into why these specific situations cause such intense reactions.   How can parents recognize if their trauma is affecting their children? Warning signs include behavior problems, mood issues, anxiety, conflict in the parent-child relationship, or when a parent notices their own emotional reactions seem disproportionate to the situation. These may indicate intergenerational trauma transmission.   What can parents do to break the cycle of family trauma? Processing involves gaining insight into triggers, understanding where intense emotions come from, seeking therapy when needed, learning emotional regulation techniques like taking breaths during triggered moments, and working on unresolved trauma with professional support.  

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll discover the science behind what we know of how trauma passes between generations, including the role of epigenetics, and how unprocessed trauma memories affect current parenting situations.   Through discussion of various stories (including a Vietnamese refugee family, an adoptee from Russia, and a family who escaped domestic violence), you'll see how intergenerational trauma plays out in real families and recognize patterns in your own life.   Learn concrete techniques for managing trauma triggers, including the power of taking a breath before reacting, gaining insight into your emotional patterns, and working as a family team to manage difficult moments together.   Dr. Babcock-Fenerci shares research-backed approaches to trauma processing, when therapy is helpful, and considerations for confronting people who have hurt you.   Understand why trauma memories work differently than regular memories, how the fight-or-flight response affects parenting, and why gaining conscious insight into unconscious patterns can literally change how your brain responds to triggers.  

FAQ

Does having childhood trauma mean I'll definitely harm my children? No. Research shows that 75% of parents who experienced childhood maltreatment do NOT go on to maltreat their own children. Having trauma doesn't doom you to repeat cycles - awareness and healing work can help you break patterns.   How do I know if my childhood was "traumatic enough" to affect my parenting? Any experience that left you with intense emotional reactions, unprocessed memories, or patterns that feel out of proportion to current situations may be worth exploring. Trauma isn't just severe abuse - it includes emotional neglect, witnessing violence, or feeling unsafe or unloved as a child.   What if I don't remember much of my childhood? Memory gaps can actually be a sign of trauma processing through dissociation. Your body and emotional patterns may hold trauma memories even when your conscious mind doesn't. Pay attention to your current triggers and reactions for clues.   Is it too late to heal if I'm already a parent? It's never too late. Dr. Babcock-Fenerci emphasizes that healing is an ongoing process, not a destination. Even small insights and changes in how you respond to triggers can make a meaningful difference for both you and your children.   How do I find a good trauma therapist? Look for therapists trained in trauma-specific approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, and EMDR. They should understand both individual trauma work and how it affects family relationships.   What if my partner doesn't understand or support my healing work? This is common and challenging. Consider couples therapy, sharing educational resources about trauma, or working on your own healing first. Sometimes seeing positive changes in you can help partners become more supportive over time.   Can children be resilient despite intergenerational trauma? Yes. Dr. Fenerci notes that humans are inherently resilient. While trauma can have impacts, many factors contribute to resilience including supportive relationships, processing experiences, and developing coping skills. Awareness and healing work strengthen this natural resilience.   What's the difference between normal parenting stress and trauma responses? Trauma responses tend to be more intense than the situation warrants - like "seeing red" over minor issues, having physical reactions, or responses that feel connected to your own childhood experiences rather than just your child's current behavior.  

Taming Your Triggers

If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, Taming Your Triggers workshop is now open.   We’ll help you to:

• Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
• Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
• Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered

  It’s a 10-week workshop with one module delivered every week, an amazing community of like-minded parents, a match with an AccountaBuddy to help you complete the workshop, and mini-mindfulness practices to re-ground yourself repeatedly during your days, so you’re less reactive and more able to collaborate with your children.     References Auerhahn, N.C., & Laub, D. (1998). Intergenerational memory of the Holocaust. In Y. Danieli (Ed.), International handbook of multigenerational legacies of trauma (pp.21-41). New York, NY: Plenum.

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Babcock, R.L., & DePrince, A.P. (2013). Factors contributing to ongoing intimate partner abuse: Childhood betrayal trauma and dependence on one’s perpetrator. Journal of Interpersonal Violence 28(7), 1385-1402.

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Berthelot, N., Ensink, K., Bernazzani, O., Normandin, L., Fonagy, P., & Luyten, P. (2015). Intergenerational transmission of attachment in abused and neglected mothers: The role of trauma-specific reflective functioning. Infant Mental Health Journal 36(2), 200-212.

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Cross, D., Vance, L.A., Kim, Y.J., Ruchard, A.L., Fox, N., Jovanovic, T., & Bradley, B. (2017). Trauma exposure, PTSD, and parenting in a community sample of low-income, predominantly African American mothers and children. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Psychological Trauma 10(3), 327-335.

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Dias, B.G., & Ressler, K.J. (2014). Parental olfactory experience influences behavior and neural structure in subsequent generations. Nature Neuroscience 17, 89-96.

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Fenerci, R.L.B., & DePrince, A.P. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma: Maternal trauma-related cognitions and toddler symptoms. Child Maltreatment 23(2), 126-136.

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Fenerci, R.L.B., & DePrince, A.P. (2017). Shame and alienation related to child maltreatment: Links to symptoms across generations. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Epub ahead of print. doi: 10.1037/tra0000332

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Fenerci, R.L.B. & DePrince, A.P. (2016). Intergenerational transmission of trauma-related distress: Maternal betrayal trauma, parenting attitudes, and behaviors. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma 25(4), 382-399.

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Kellerman, N.P.F. (2013). Epigentic transmission of Holocaust trauma: Can nightmares be inherited? Israel Journal of Psychiatry and Related Sciences 50(1), 33-39.

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Nagata, D.K. (1998). Intergenerational effects of the Japanese American internment. In Y. Danieli (Ed.), International handbook of multigenerational legacies of trauma (pp.125-139). New York, NY: Plenum.

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Oliver, J.E. (1993). Intergenerational transmission of child abuse: Rates, research, and clinical implications. American Journal of Psychiatry 150, 1315-1324.

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Riva, M.A. (2017). Epigenetic signatures of early life adversities in animal models: A role for psychopathology vulnerability. European Psychiatry 415, S29.

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Yehuda, R., Daskalakis, N.P., Bierer, L.M., Bader, H.N., Klengel, T., Holsboer, F., & Binder, E.B. (2016). Holocaust exposure induced intergenerational effects on FKBP5 methylation. Biological Psychiatry 80, 372-380.