Letting Go Versus Holding On

In this episode of Changeworking, Ruckus and James explore the concept of the ego — not as something to eliminate or transcend, but as a map of self we use to navigate the world. Rather than treating ego as a fixed entity or enemy, this conversation looks at ego as the stories we tell about ourselves: how those stories help us function, how they quietly shape fear and behavior, and how suffering often arises when we mistake the map for who we are.

Along the way, James draws on neuroscience, philosophy, spirituality, and changework experience to unpack questions like: Why definitions of ego never quite hold How identity, self-concept, and ego overlap Why social fear feels existential What happens when we take our self-stories too seriously And why freedom may come less from changing the story — and more from seeing it as a story.

This episode is especially relevant for practitioners, coaches, and curious humans who want a more nuanced relationship with ego, identity, and self — without turning the conversation into another spiritual or psychological battleground.

📌 TIMESTAMPS

00:00 – Introduction
Ruckus introduces the episode and frames ego as stories of self rather than something to destroy.

01:00 – Why Ego Is So Hard to Define
James explains why starting with definitions often creates confusion rather than clarity.

02:00 – Starting With the Word vs. Starting With the World
A distinction between conceptual definitions and observed phenomena.

03:45 – Ego as Stories About Ourselves
James offers his working definition of ego and why it’s useful.

05:00 – Thought Forms, Egregores, and Emergent Identity
How collections of ideas can appear to take on a life of their own.

06:30 – The Problem With “Ego Death”
Why eliminating ego may not lead to functional or meaningful living.

07:15 – Damasio’s Three Selves
Core self, autobiographical self, and what happens when ego goes offline.

09:30 – Why We Need a Map of Self
How ego supports decision-making, direction, and long-term planning.

11:00 – Ego as a Map, Not the Territory
Korzybski’s insight applied to identity and self-concept.

12:30 – Self-Concept as Destiny
How our map of self interacts with our map of the world.

14:00 – Social Fear as Egoic Threat
Why embarrassment and judgment feel physically dangerous.

15:45 – Healthy Ego vs. Inflated Ego
Why overcompensation and narcissistic strategies miss the point.

17:00 – Seeing Ideas as Ideas
The relief that comes from recognizing self-stories as provisional.

18:30 – “Whatever You Say It Is, You’re Wrong”
Why no description of self can ever be the thing itself.

20:30 – Meta-Position and Psychological Freedom
Being “up above it” versus trapped inside the story.

23:00 – Identity vs. Ego
Are they meaningfully different, or just different lenses?

25:00 – Choosing Language With Clients
Why James avoids certain terms depending on context and cultural baggage.

27:00 – Identity Traps and Professional Roles
Ruckus shares a personal example of identity constriction.

29:00 – Multiple Identities and Flexibility
Why being many things may be healthier than being one thing.

31:00 – James’s Burnout and the “Magician” Identity
A personal story about identity, overextension, and recovery.

35:00 – Capital-S Self and Spiritual Traditions
Why “Self” points to something real but ungraspable.

38:00 – The Third Mountain
Beyond naïve realism and pure relativism.

41:00 – Radical Pragmatism
When usefulness replaces truth — and where that breaks down.

45:00 – Aesthetics, Meaning, and Enrichment
Why change isn’t only about what works, but how it feels.

49:00 – Letting Go Without Falling
Why people need something to hold onto when releasing certainty.