Enhancing Couple Communication

David, Matt, and Rhonda Answer Your Questions! What's the One-Minute Drill work? How does it work? What's Memory Rescripting? How does it work? How can I endure boring and irrelevant college work?

1. Aaron asks: How do you do the One Minute Drill?
2. Aaron asks how and why Memory Rescripting helped a college student overcome her fears of public transportation (e.g. agoraphobia).
3. Gray asks: How can I endure having to do boring work in college and beyond?

Two questions from Aaron W. C. who is a Licensed Master Social Worker in Idaho, and said, “I look forward to the podcast.”

1. Hi Dr. Burns, Can you share how you do the one-minute drill? In When Panic Attacks, you only mentioned the name but not how it works.

Thank you,

Aaron W. California

David’s reply

We'll explain and demonstrate it on the podcast. It's a partially helpful tool for troubled couples who argue and fail to listen.

2. Hi Dr. Burns, I completed rereading When Panic Attacks yesterday night. I have a question about one of the case examples you mentioned. In the book, you mention a patient that has a phobia of taking public transportation. She did the reimagination exercise of picturing herself castrating the men that harmed her roommate and branded the man that hurt her as a child.

If remember right, the book does not link using the "reimagination exercise" to overcoming her fear of taking public transportation. How did the reimagination exercise help her overcome the fear of taking public transportation?

I have reread the book two times this year!

Thank you,

Aaron W. California---LMSW (Idaho)

David’s reply

I am happy to include your question on an upcoming Feeling Good Podcast. Can I use your first name? Thanks!

I can answer two of your questions, and can even demonstrate the one-minute drill, and discuss its uses and limitations.

Best, david

3. Gray asks about feeling better about post-secondary education

Hi David,

I struggle with intense anger, frustration, and depression while doing college coursework, with recurring thoughts like, “This is pointless,” “This work is for nobody, ” "I'm just working to work," "I'm being hazed," and “I profoundly don’t care!”

I’m interested in law school because I’d love being a lawyer, but I worry that I won’t be mentally healthy in that environment. Many lawyers say 80+% of law school is irrelevant and doesn’t adequately prepare you to practice law or even to pass the Bar, so I expect similar frustrations would resurface.

I’ve looked into this very carefully and I’m convinced that the basic substance of my thoughts has bulletproof empirical grounding (outside of STEM, for sure). How could I manage these distortions when I’m in the midst of law school homework?

P.S. I’m quite hostile to appeals about how I would actually learn important things in class or about developing resilience for its own sake, so I’d prefer to avoid that line of thinking unless it's really important.

Thank you,

Gray

David’s reply

Can you give me an example of one of your negative thoughts. They always contain some truth, by the way. Perhaps you’re trapped in a Hidden Should Statement.

Are you wanting to feel happy about having to do boring homework, or are you wanting not to have to do boring homework? What’s your goal, in other words.

All therapeutic failure, just about, is due to a failure of agenda setting. In other words, reducing resistance is the key prior to crushing distortions.

Warmly, david

There is certainly a great deal of irrelevant stuff one has to plow through to get a college or graduate degree, for sure. So there seems to be a lot of wisdom in your negative thoughts and feelings.

I guess my question would be, what type of help, if any, are you looking for?

Best, david

Gray responds

Subject: Re: Feeling better about post-secondary education

My hidden should statements are something like "I shouldn't have to do this." and" I should be able to prove myself by doing real work instead".

I am hoping to be able to do lots of boring/irrelevant homework and be okay about it, not even necessarily happy. Then I could go to law school and be in passable mental health.

Thanks again!

Gray

David Replies

Well, you’re right on all counts, including “I shouldn’t have to do this.” In fact, you DON’T “have to” do it. And if you do stick with it, there’s no rule that says you have to stop whining and complaining!

I made the choice of going to medical school and hated it. Worst medical student they had. But I had to complete medical school and psychiatric residency in order to become a psychiatrist. Don’t think I learned much of anything in medical school or psychiatric residency that ever really helped any of my patients at that time.

But now I have a life I really enjoy, although there are still negatives I have to put up with.

Warmly, david

One last thing to add. The boring, trivial work does not upset you. Only your distorted thoughts can upset you. The truth in your thoughts is real but does not upset you. You are saying that you SHOULD NOT have to do trivial boring work.

Where did you get that idea. Did you think you were entitled to a universe that conforms to your demands? Why should the world be the way you want it to be?

There’s an irritating voice in your brain that keeps telling you that you should have to do this and you shouldn’t have to do that. That voice is your enemy, your source of angst, and not the actual work.

So, your first step is to make a decision, perhaps two Cost-Benefit Analyses. The first might be the Advantages and Disadvantages of loudly protesting and insisting it SHOULDN’T be this way. There will be many advantages and a few disadvantages as well.

Now balance the Adv against the Dis on a 100 point scale at the bottom, putting the higher number under the column that feels the more desirable or impactful. For example, if the ADV are a lot greater, your two numbers might be 70-30.

Then you might do a second CBS listing the Advantages and Disadvantages of ACCEPTING the fact that school often sucks. There may be some advantages and a few disadvantages as well.

Now balance the Adv against the Dis on a 100 point scale at the bottom, putting the higher number under the column that feels the more desirable or impactful. For example, if the DIS of acceptance are a lot greater, your two numbers might be 25-75.

Send me your two analyses when you’re done!

If you come to the unlikely decision that acceptance is preferably to shoulding on yourself, there are lots of strategies that might help. But I’d need to know where you stand first, or the methods would be a waste of time.

Anger, unlike most negative feelings, is highly addictive, and most people don’t want to let go of it.

You could also do Positive Reframing of your anger and negative thoughts, which is super powerful, but this is getting a bit long.

Best, david

David follow-up for podcast audience: As far as I can tell, Gray didn’t respond to my email. Sad!