045: Alice Shikina - Money, Divorce, & Mediation
Mindful Money
The Importance of Communication in Relationships
This chapter emphasizes the significance of effective communication in relationships, particularly in the context of marriage and divorce. It highlights the need to acknowledge and validate each other's perspectives to create understanding. The speakers also discuss the failure of communication in mediations when individuals cannot recall what was said, leading to breakdowns.
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Alice Shikina is an international speaker, negotiation coach, and divorce mediator. She’s the author of the book, Negotiating with Your Kids. Alice is passionate about helping people out of conflict and moving forward with their lives.
Today, Jonathan and Alice talk all about marriage, divorce, and navigating the difficult topic of finances throughout the two. Alice talks about the importance of acknowledgement and communication, and provides insights on how to approach your marriage as a business partnership.
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Key Takeaways
00:48 – Jonathan introduces today’s guest, Alice Shikina, who joins the show to share her unique experience being shielded from money at an early age
08:33 – Alice’s career trajectory, from theatre to divorce mediation
13:01 – Statistics on divorce
17:07 – Why financial literacy is a critical skill to have in a relationship
20:38 – Joint vs. separate accounts
26:39 – How to prepare yourself for the ‘business partnership’ of a marriage
30:52 – Prenups, postnups, and other strategies for cultivating a healthy ‘business partnership’
34:34 – The power of acknowledgement
37:42 – Approaching money as a team
44:54 – Alice’s 8-week negotiating and communication course
48:24 – One piece of financial advice for couples to heed and one thing to completely ignore
51:07 – Alice’s latest course, Design Your Own Divorce
52:51 – The last thing Alice changed her mind about and the most impactful place Alice ever visited
55:08 – Jonathan thanks Alice for joining the show today and lets listeners know where to connect with her
Tweetable Quotes
“For those people who don’t know the difference between arbitration and mediation, arbitration is basically a private trial. So, you don’t go into the public court system. You hire a private judge, who is the arbitrator, and you do everything privately.” (11:53) (Alice)
“It is very interesting to note that if I’m mediating alimony from a husband to a wife, usually they want to be fair and talk about it. Usually when I mediate alimony from a wife to a husband, everyone is bitter.” (15:18) (Alice)
“If there is a partner who is not as financially literate, it would be extremely beneficial for them to get a financial coach so that they can at least feel somewhat comfortable looking at a spreadsheet. And the other thing is budget! So many people do not create a family budget.” (19:37) (Alice)
“I have noticed that when people come from marriages where they only have a joint account and they only had a joint account for several decades, there’s a lot of fear about splitting it up and opening a brand new account. Of course they do it, but I can tell it feels very uncomfortable for people.” (22:17) (Alice)
“Communication is a huge reason why people get divorced. I see it all the time. And they come to me and say, ‘Yeah, we’re getting a divorce because our communication is terrible.’” (34:02) (Alice)
“What happens is that either people aren’t listening to one another or they haven’t learned how to acknowledge what the other person is saying. We’re all humans walking around the planet wishing to be acknowledged, and it doesn’t happen as much as it should. If you can acknowledge what your spouse is saying to you, even if it’s contentious, you will go a long, long way to saving your marriage.” (34:34) (Alice)
“I feel like having that premarital mediation is critical because it’s not about how we’re going to split the assets if we get a divorce. It’s about how do we as a family think about money? Where do our values lie? Are our values in alignment? And then you can talk about that and it will really cement your relationship because you want to make sure that you’re putting yourselves on the same path.” (48:47) (Alice)
“If you have two strong negotiators, you are more likely to get to a ‘win-win’ than if you have two weak negotiators. Strong negotiators understand it is about getting to the ‘win-win.’ It is about getting to a deal that everyone is happy with.” (52:02) (Alice)
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