The Power of Presence in Relationships

Welcome to episode 60 of The Way Out Is In: The Zen Art of Living, a podcast series mirroring Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s deep teachings of Buddhist philosophy: a simple yet profound methodology for dealing with our suffering, and for creating more happiness and joy in our lives.

In this episode, Zen Buddhist monk Brother Phap Huu and leadership coach and journalist Jo Confino share 32 words from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh that can make your relationships deal with suffering and create happiness. The Four Mantras, Thay’s beloved teachings, are intended to help create healthy relationships by allowing conversations and enabling people to be truly present for each other. 

The discussion touches upon generating presence; setting up intentional practices; being a refuge for people; building two-way communication; calligraphy as a way ‘to change the energy’; and so much more.

Brother Phap Huu shares the origins of mantras and helps introduce each mantra with practical tips, real stories from his life and from the monastic community, as well as unheard (yet!) insights from Thay’s practice and creation of the mantras. And can you guess which is Thay’s favorite mantra? 

Jo brings his lay perspective on the mantras and their application in life. A couple of new mantras are discussed, too, but you’d better dive in for some pure essence of Buddhist wisdom. 

The episode ends with a mindful recap of the mantras discussed. 

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Co-produced by the Plum Village App:
https://plumvillage.app/

And Global Optimism:
https://globaloptimism.com/ 

With support from the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation:
https://thichnhathanhfoundation.org/

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List of resources 

Rains Retreat
https://plumvillage.org/retreats/info/rains-retreat-2023 

Historical Vedic religion
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historical_Vedic_religion 

Vedas
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vedas 

Mahayana
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahayana

New Heart Sutra translation by Thich Nhat Hanh https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/letters/thich-nhat-hanh-new-heart-sutra-translation 

Interbeing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interbeing 

Sister Chan Khong
https://plumvillage.org/about/sister-chan-khong 

Dharma Talk: ‘The Six Mantras’
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/the-six-mantras-2 

‘Plum Village Mantras and How to Be the Sum of Your Acts’ 
https://tnhaudio.org/2012/07/30/plum-village-mantras-and-how-to-be-the-sum-of-your-acts/

‘The Four Dharma Seals of Plum Village’
https://plumvillage.org/articles/the-four-dharma-seals-of-plum-village 

Dharma Talks: ‘True Love and the Four Noble Truths’
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/true-love-and-the-four-noble-truths

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Quotes

“Thay created these mantras, which are very practical; it sounds very simple, but if done with right mindfulness, it has such impact. The first mantra is the essence of the practice of mindfulness. When we practice mindfulness, it is to generate the energy of awareness, so that we can offer ourselves a presence and know what is going on inside of us and around us. And with that mindfulness, we are in control. We have the agency of the present moment.”

“When we’re close to someone, we take each other for granted. We stop noticing the little things. We stop noticing that what someone is doing is generous. That what someone’s doing is making them happy. We just stop noticing.” 

“The first Dharma seal of Plum Village is, ‘I have arrived, I am home.’ What does it mean to arrive and be home? It is to say, ‘I am safe here. I can show up as myself and I know that I will be held.’”

“We forget how precious things are right in front of us, and we forget to be present for the ones we truly love. So the first mantra is, ‘I am here for you.’ It is as simple as that. But in the word ‘present’, when we want to give somebody a present, our natural tendency is to think about buying something, to consume in order to offer something that we feel will make them feel loved. And what we’ve learned in true love is that to be loved is to be seen. To be loved is to be recognized, is to be heard.”

“The real practice of true love, first and foremost, is learning to be there for one another.’” 

“The way Thay poured tea, he was the freest person ever. So, in true presence, you are free because you’re not being distracted, you’re not being carried away, and you are just there for the person you love. And in our modern time, this is probably the most advanced training because we are so distracted, there is so much noise, there is so much information. And the seed of fear, anxiety, worries – even worrying for the goodness of life – can make us lose ourselves in the present moment.” 

“The practice of mindfulness is to always shine that light [that says] that you’re not alone and that there is love around you. But if we do close our hearts, we will not be able to tap into the love and the support that is around us.” 

“One time, walking with Thay, he stopped. It was in the evening. And Thay saw the full moon. And we took a very long pause and we just admired the moon. And in that admiration of the moon that is present is the practice, ‘I know you are there and I am very happy.’” 

“Love is understanding. Because that is true love, being there for our suffering. Because we all suffer, we have multiple sufferings. And if we’re truly there for our suffering and each other’s suffering, how can that not be love?”

“When we have the insight of interbeing, if a person is going through a hard time, there is no way that we cannot be in touch with their suffering, because we are interconnected through a relationship. And so the practice is to have courage. It is to show up for those who suffer and say, ‘I know you suffer and I’m here for you.’ And ‘I’m here for you’ doesn’t mean I have the answer. ‘I’m here for you’ doesn’t mean I’m going to save you, or that I have the solution. It’s just, ‘I want you to know that I see you. I want you to know that I want to acknowledge what you are going through.’ By showing up with this openness, if we do it with real presence and a true openness, without expectations and without creating the story of what will happen when I say that, but just showing up and sharing this, we may be able to allow that person to have the courage to also accept what they are going through.” 

“Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”

“I am here for you.”

“I know you are there, and I am very happy.” 

“I know you suffer. Therefore I am here for you.”

“I suffer. Please, help.”

“This is a Happy Moment.”

“In true love there is freedom.”

“You are partially right.”

“I love you to not consume you. I love you to show you that you are enough.”