Breaking the Cycle of Inadequacy

🔔 SENSITIVE CONTENT Disclaimer: The information in this video is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health condition. If you are in crisis, or in need of immediate assistance, we encourage you to reach out to friends, professionals, and other groups to gain relevant support for your particular situation.

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Welcome to episode 80 of The Way Out Is In: The Zen Art of Living, a podcast series mirroring Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh’s deep teachings of Buddhist philosophy: a simple yet profound methodology for dealing with our suffering, and for creating more happiness and joy in our lives.

In this installment, Zen Buddhist monk Brother Phap Huu and leadership coach/journalist Jo Confino talk about how to come home to ourselves, why it can be so difficult for people to feel at home in their own skin and to feel that they are enough, and why people go searching for things outside of themselves in order to feel better about themselves on the inside. 

The hosts further explore self-love and self-acceptance; compassion; overcoming perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy; redefining beauty; true generosity; dismantling self; the Buddhist teachings on interbeing and dwelling in the present moment; and more. They also share personal experiences and insights from Thich Nhat Hanh’s own journey to inner freedom and stability. 

The episode concludes with a short meditation guided by Brother Phap Huu. 

Enjoy!

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Co-produced by the Plum Village App:
https://plumvillage.app/  

And Global Optimism:
https://globaloptimism.com/

With support from the Thich Nhat Hanh Foundation:
https://thichnhathanhfoundation.org/

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List of resources

Interbeing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interbeing  

Brother Phap Linh (Brother Spirit)
https://www.instagram.com/brotherspirit

‘Three Resources Explaining the Plum Village Tradition of Lazy Days’
https://plumvillage.app/three-resources-explaining-the-plum-village-tradition-of-lazy-days/ 

‘Thich Nhat Hanh on Discrimination and Complexes’
https://plumvillage.app/thich-nhat-hanh-on-discrimination-and-complexes

Dharma Talks: ‘What Is the Equality Complex?’
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/what-is-the-equality-complex

How To: ‘Begin Anew’
https://plumvillage.org/articles/begin-anew

Dharma Talks: ‘The Five Remembrances’ 
https://plumvillage.org/library/dharma-talks/the-five-remembrances-sr-thuan-nghiem-spring-retreat-2018-05-17

The Way Out Is In: ‘Feel It to Heal It: The Dharma of Music (Episode #79)’
https://plumvillage.org/podcast/feel-it-to-heal-it-the-dharma-of-music-episode-79

The Way Out Is In: ‘Shining Light (Episode #63)’
https://plumvillage.org/podcast/shining-light-episode-63 

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Quotes

“Where there’s a stillness, the energy of mindfulness is present.”

“Thich Nhat Hanh would speak about how, sometimes, we have to expand our mind and expand ourselves to see that our suffering is not ours alone: it is a shared suffering. And, also, when we transform the suffering, it is not only our transformation: it is a transformation for the greater collective. And we don’t discriminate about whether it is a small or a large transformation, because all transformations have an impact on the greater consciousness of our society.” 

“When we talk about coming home to oneself, that is the whole journey of meditation: dwelling happily in the present moment. It means that, in the present moment, whether there’s a storm, whether it is a moment that is blissful and peaceful, I can be happy. And if there is a moment when there is suffering, like if I am unwell and I’m not experiencing joy and happiness, I can learn to still tap into my happy conditions and be there for this moment. So I can generate happiness in this moment, even in the midst of suffering and pain.” 

“The word love in Buddhism is very deep; there’s so many layers to it. And a part of love always starts with oneself – like, can we learn to be kinder to ourselves? Can we make ourselves a little bit kinder, so that our home in ourselves is a little bit kinder?” 

“We, as practitioners, know that we’re not only conditioned from the outer energy, we also have the capacity to condition ourselves. And that is part of the journey of arriving home: starting to redevelop the foundation of our home.”

“A lot of people in the West suffer from two negative qualities that really rub up against each other. People suffer from self-loathing and they suffer from perfection. In other words, they don’t like themselves and they’re trying to be perfect – and that combination is pretty catastrophic.” 

“It takes time to really look at and be honest about what we don’t like about ourselves and where that is coming from. You can’t just tell someone, ‘Well, start loving yourself. What is there not to love?’” 

 “Meditation is a journey where the destination can be reached in every moment. The destination is not in five years, in 10 years, or only reached when I can sit and not move and have no feelings. To erase all feelings and emotions and thinking is not the aim of meditation. It’s learning to ground ourselves, it’s learning to guide our energies and to guide our mind.” 

“Why is it that we can’t love ourselves? What makes it so difficult to say the word love? But, at the same time, when I say ‘learn to love yourself’, it doesn’t mean that we have to say, ‘Oh, I love me.’ Loving yourself can happen in so many ways. For example, acceptance is love. So, expanding the value of loving oneself is important, like redefining what our values are. It’s like, when I am overwhelmed I know how to take a pause: I go for a walk on the grass; I touch the grass or I go into the forest and I give myself a moment of just relaxation. That’s learning to love yourself.” 

“People think compassion is very soft or very weak, but part of the journey of coming home is that there has to be the element of compassion. Compassion becomes a foundation that allows us to accept ourselves, to accept the unwholesome actions that we have already performed.”

“As we progress on the path of life – not even in terms of meditation – I think that our definition of home continues to evolve and our way of being in the present moment continues to deepen.” 

“You can only be you with the non-you elements.”

“How can we dismantle this concept of self? It has to come into action with the insight of interbeing.”

“I was always so captivated by how magnetic our teacher Thay was around the walking meditation, when all the kids would want to hold his hand and sit around him. But he wasn’t saying anything; he was just drinking a cup of tea or walking in silence. And I think the beauty that he was expressing was his way of being: that he could move so freely on this planet, and transform so much of his pain and suffering through what he experienced in life without being caught up in that. But he was walking with steps of freedom in the present moment, not taking for granted that moment of joy, of peace, and of connection.” 

“For those of us who are young, we are always going to be tackling the question, ‘Am I enough?’ And even those of us who are older – guess what, young people? We still have these questions. But let us collectively transform this, so that what we can transmit to the next generation is, ‘You are enough and your potentials are all there. You just have to water the right seeds.’” 

“Thay found his home in the midst of fire and fury. He found his home in the midst of being banished from his homeland. Thay found home wherever he was, rather than in a place.”

“Your pain is not yours alone.”