And yet, does my brain allow me to acknowledge that this is, in fact, a hard thing that i've done? Ah, i'm having trouble writing this section. I know what i'm supposed to say here, that i know that this was a hard thing that i did and overcame, but those aren't the words i feel. I'm in 95 episodes, and it feels like it was just inevitable that i just went through the motions and it happened on its own that i could have done so much better. I mean, i've been pod casting for more than two years. I should already have hit a hundred episodes, right? 52 plus 52. Yet's a little bit hundred and four. So i'm a little bit behind there. So between taking time en just missing episodes, i'm well behind where i should be. And look, i'm not trying to go for false modesty here, or have people write in to tell me that actually, i've been doing a great job. I know my voice inside telling me these things. It's not doing me any favors. What i'm trying to communicate here is that we all have these clear, concrete examples of having accomplished hard things, and yet we can find th little voice trying to convince us that, well, that wasn't such a great thing after all, that any one could have done that. And also that even we can know the truth of the matter, but reality still might not match up with how we feel. The importance of this is that i can acknowledge it doesn't matter how hard of a thing i do, i will still try and find ways of discrediting my own work. It's not about logic. So trying to use logic to escape the trap isn't going to work, or at least using the same kind of logic. Because i can also acknowledge that someone publishing a hundred episodes of a podcast is a hard thing. I can acknowledge that a lot of hard things people do are hard, except when i do them. So where does that leave us? Well, it at least gives me a glimpse into how faulty my own logic is. How i say doing something is hard, yet change that stance once i find out who did it? Does the identity of the person matter so much? And to some extent, absolutely. As an upper middle class white mail there is no denying the amount of privilege i have. There is no question that parts of my journey were easier for me than they would have been for others. But i'm not talking about what some one else did here. I'm talking about what i did. And there is no question that, truthfully, it was difficult. What's holding me back from saying that it was a hard thing that i did is that i'm viewing it all in its component parts. I'm seeing every day that i didn't do as much as i could have i see where i could have been had i lived my life through the rose coloured glasses i wear. While looking back, it's easy for me to brush off the hard parts, to forget the stumb in blocks that knocked me down. Last year, i had kids doing school from home, and i had to evacuate because of a fire near my house. Oh, and that was while i had cove it. These are all things that absolutely made doing my work harder, but also things that are easy for me to forget and brush away. And this is where we really get into it. Why i find it so difficult to acknowledge hard things? It's because i'm only thinking about the parts where i didn't do the work, but not the why behind it. Because, as i often do with my a d h d, i'm focused on the wrong details. It's easy for me to say i should have done more when i don't have the context. But when i slow down and think about why last year may have been a hard year to keep up with everything, well it seems a lot more reasonable. And so that's what we're starting with, this idea of giving ourselves credit for doing those hard things, even when it feels like we could have done it better, one of the pieces of last week's episode was that when something feels like it should be easy, but we fail to do it over and over again, it's actually hard. And it's so difficult to work with that idea. Last week, i was under the weather, and we got quite a pile of dishes that needed to be cleaned. In my head, it's easy to argue that the dishes aren't a hard task, none the less, they weren't getting done. And here's the one thing that we don't always want to admit.