The Importance of Anger in Relationships

Sometimes things go wrong. Your British premiere league football club loses a game; maybe your dog eats the birthday party cupcakes; maybe someone cuts you off in traffic. And you get angry—looking for someone to hold responsible.

Sometimes things go wrong in even more serious ways. Your kid’s getting bullied or mistreated; the justice system fails you or someone you love; you’re betrayed or deeply hurt by a friend. And you get angry—still looking to hold them responsible, take a form of vengeance, and even if you can muster the strength to forgive and absolve, the anger might persist.

But what about when things go so seriously wrong in life that questions of meaning, purpose, and sense of existence come under doubt? When there’s no human left to hold accountable, do you then turn your eyes to God—the creator of all of this, you know: “the whole world in his hands” kinda thing?

Have you ever been angry at God?

Today, we’re continuing our series all about “Bringing Psychology to Theology” with a look at the psychology of spiritual struggles and specifically, a scientific study of what happens when we get angry at God. In this series we’ve been exploring the tools of psychological science that might contribute to a deeper, greater, more nuanced theological understanding of the world. 

We started with a conversation between Miroslav Volf and experimental psychologist Justin Barrett. Justin evokes the image of erecting a giant cathedral of theology—and how the task must be done with a variety of tools and subcontracted skills. Then we heard from Pamela Ebstyne King with a developmental approach to thinking about human spirituality, the dynamic nature of human purpose, and how relationships factor in moving from surviving to thriving. 

The hope for this series is to highlight the prospects of a science-engaged theology and how it might contribute to the most pressing matters for how to live lives worthy of our humanity. 

In this episode Ryan McAnnally-Linz is joined by research psychologist Julie Exline. She’s Professor of Psychology of Religion & Spirituality at Case Western Reserve University and author most recently of Working with Spiritual Struggles in Psychotherapy: From Research to Practice. Her research has examined forgiveness, humility, and human spirituality, and she’s widely recognized for her work on the psychology of anger at God and religious struggles. 

In this episode, Julie reflects on the meaning of spiritual struggle, as well as the possible outcomes and factors that contribute to a personal sense of healing and growth. She speaks to the anxiety and fear that seem to hover around an expression of anger toward God, dealing with objections and concerns that it’s immoral or presumes God to be guilty of wrongdoing. And she offers practical considerations in light of the psychological research around what happens when people choose to express their anger at God or not—how different responses of disapproval or acceptance can lead to positive growth or a sense of successfully dealing with the anger.

About Julie Exline

Julie Exline is Professor of Psychology of Religion & Spirituality at Case Western Reserve University and author most recently of Working with Spiritual Struggles in Psychotherapy: From Research to Practice. Her research has examined forgiveness, humility, and human spirituality, and she’s widely recognized for her work on the psychology of anger at God and religious struggles.

Show Notes

• Working with Spiritual Struggles in Psychotherapy: From Research to Practice
• Spiritual struggles
• The shadow side of religion
• Researching the more challenging side of religion and spirituality.
• Looking at the dark side of things: a defensive pessimist at heart
• Big picture: coping with challenging events around faith
• Conserving beliefs, fitting things in
• Choosing to engage struggle: approach God, seek support, or decline and disengage
• Prayer, talking to God or other trusted people
• Struggling with God versus struggling with another human being
• Growth often comes from staying engaged but addressing the problem
• Being angry at God
• Is it okay to be angry at God?
• “Are you sure you should be studying this?”
• People feel like it’s morally wrong to question God.
• Beth Moore: Questioning God's Authority vs Asking God Questions
• Questioning God's authority is sometimes thought to lead people on a path to spiritual decline.
• Asking God questions can lead people toward growth.
• Feeling angry at God doesn't imply a lack of respect for God.
• Anger and Love are independent of one another.
• "Difficulty Forgiving God"—implying that God did something wrong; now using language "resolving anger at God"
• Anger as a response to injustice.
• Finding a way to live with the problem of evil: Are people wrestling with anger toward God articulating it in a similar way as those worrying about the problem of evil?
• Theodicy
• “Why did God allow…”
• The role of theological presuppositions in anger with God
• Changing beliefs and theological tinkering
• Responding to others who wrestle with anger with God: the gift of presence
• A response of acceptance and affirmation gave people a higher likelihood of reporting they had grown from the experience of anger at God.
• A response of disapproval or moral judgment is associated with attempts to suppress the anger, making it more likely to remain, and can even increase the likelihood of substance abuse.
• Anger with God as part of a healthy, dynamic spiritual life
• Anger as a signal for what matters
• Thinking about anger as part of an ongoing conversation with God: Two-chair technique
• Anger as an approach-oriented emotion—allows you to approach a problem or issue worthy of our attention.
• Using anger as an opportunity to clarify and solve a problem
• Japanese “kintsugi”—golden repairs in the deepest fissures and cracks of life.
• Practical recommendations for resolving anger with God
• Experiential avoidance
• Clarify your feelings and give yourself space to talk about it
• “Shouldn't God be able to handle your anger?”
• You don't have to express your anger disrespectfully; you can show your care and value for the relationship.

Production Notes

• This podcast featured Julie Exline
• Edited and Produced by Evan Rosa
• Hosted by Evan Rosa
• Production Assistance by Kaylen Yun & Macie Bridge
• A Production of the Yale Center for Faith & Culture at Yale Divinity School https://faith.yale.edu/about
• Support For the Life of the World podcast by giving to the Yale Center for Faith & Culture: https://faith.yale.edu/give

Acknowledgements

• This episode was made possible in part by the generous support of Blueprint 1543. For more information, visit Blueprint1543.org.