The Dissonance Between Meaning and Reality

As an atheist you would have to call certain things about yourself fantasy as well, like the ability to choose freely or objective moral values and determining what is right or wrong. So I'm wondering how did you live out this view of the world where everything beyond your senses was fantasy? Well it was, like, and that's why it sucked so much. You can imagine a non-deterministic materialistic cosmos. Like my biggest struggles has been trying to defend making truth claims because I, there was no basis for me to make a truth claim. That was a very existentially disturbing, I would say feeling of, of uncertainty. But I think I was, I really like intellectual consistency