Responsive Desire and Initiation Cycles

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Nicole McNichols, psychologist, professor at the University of Washington, and author of You Could Be Having Better Sex, for one of the most honest, research-backed conversations we've ever had about sex, intimacy, and connection in long-term marriage.

This isn't about sex positions, tricks, or "trying harder." It's about why good marriages lose momentum over time, how pressure and expectations quietly kill desire, and why emotional connection is often the real foreplay. Dr. Nicole breaks down why scheduling sex can backfire, how shame and guilt around sex are learned early, and how curiosity—not performance—creates the kind of intimacy couples actually crave. I also share personal stories from my own marriage about connection, timing, and why mediocre sex just to "check the box" no longer works. If you want a healthier, more connected sex life, this episode gives you a roadmap grounded in science and real-life experience.

Timeline Summary

[0:00] Why this episode isn't about sex positions or tricks

[1:26] Introducing Dr. Nicole McNichols and her background

[2:09] Why scheduling sex can quietly backfire

[2:36] How pressure and expectation kill intimacy

[2:58] Emotional connection as the real foreplay

[3:36] Why intimacy dates matter more than sex calendars

[5:18] How Dr. Nicole became a "sex professor" by accident

[6:10] Loneliness, disconnection, and the role of sexual health

[7:08] Shame, stigma, and misinformation around sex—especially for women

[9:14] Why healthy sex improves forgiveness, health, and longevity

[10:25] The failure of shame-based sex education

[12:10] Countries with sex-positive education and better outcomes

[13:18] Identifying the sources of shame we carry into marriage

[15:09] Why sex shouldn't be the first thing sacrificed in busy seasons

[16:07] Why conversations about sex should happen with clothes on

[17:00] Using curiosity instead of pressure to improve intimacy

[18:11] Announcement: Dad Edge Alliance February focus on intimacy and attraction

[20:03] Curiosity vs. agenda in hard conversations

[21:17] Why scheduling sex alone doesn't work

[22:09] Creating the right context and mood for intimacy

[23:24] Sexual effort that creates pressure instead of desire

[24:55] Emotional lead-up and responsive desire

[26:01] Initiation–rejection cycles and resentment

[27:23] "Intimacy dates" and reconnecting outside the bedroom

[29:11] Larry shares a personal story about connection over convenience

[31:26] Choosing quality connection over mediocre sex

[33:17] Maintenance sex vs. meaningful sexual connection

[35:04] Balancing connection and realistic expectations

[37:22] Long-term rejection cycles and rebuilding intimacy

[39:00] Hormones, menopause, and why libido changes aren't personal

[41:29] Division of labor, resentment, and loss of identity

[43:48] Gottman research and why distance doesn't heal intimacy

[45:43] Making your partner feel seen and heard

[47:23] Listening vs. fixing in emotional conversations

[49:13] Resources for better conversations with your wife and kids

[49:31] Dr. Nicole's book and New York Times features

[50:44] Where to find Dr. Nicole and her work

[53:08] Why improving your sex life is a powerful way to start 2026

Five Key Takeaways

1. Pressure and expectation kill desire, while curiosity and emotional safety create attraction.
2. Emotional connection is often the real foreplay, especially in long-term marriages.
3. Scheduling sex without context can backfire if couples don't create space to reconnect first.
4. Sexual shame is learned, and identifying its sources is the first step toward healthier intimacy.
5. Better sex isn't about frequency—it's about quality, safety, and connection.

Links & Resources

• 25 Intimate Conversation Starters: https://thedadedge.com/25questions
• Conversation Cards for Kids (Ages 5–Teen): https://thedadedge.com/kidquestions
• Dr. Nicole McNichols – Faculty Spotlight (University of Washington):
• https://psych.uw.edu/newsletter/summer-2020/faculty/faculty-spotlight-on-nicole-mcnichols
• New York Times – Modern Love Podcast Feature:
• https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/07/podcasts/modern-love-better-sex-tips.html
• Book — You Could Be Having Better Sex
• Episode Show Notes & Resources: https://thedadedge.com/1430

Closing Remark

If this episode gave you language, clarity, or hope around intimacy in your marriage, please rate, review, follow, and share the podcast. Strong marriages don't drift into great sex—they build it intentionally, with curiosity, connection, and courage.