Do you ever fight with your partner?
Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?
(Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)
And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:
- Child misbehaves.
- Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
- Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt.
- Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're being defensive.
- Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
- Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.
If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope!
Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above.
How many of the Horsemen show up in
your fights?
(Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.)
If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that.
You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family.
In
this conversation they use very different tools. We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical!
Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner.
It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training.
During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them.
There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments.
Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before.
I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more.
Discover how our Parenting Membership can provide invaluable support and guidance. Share this letter with your partner to help them understand the benefits of joining our community. Together, we can make parenting easier and more enjoyable.
Other episode mentioned:
207: How to not be a permissive parent
Jump to Highlights
00:53 Introducing today’s topic
02:27 The Parenting Membership's "Parenting As A Team" module, inspired by the Gottmans' research, provides valuable guidance on communication and relationships, empowering members with tools for stronger partnerships.
09:46 Introducing the historical approach to aiding couples in managing relationship challenges, along with the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" behaviors and their remedies
15:36 Dee and Jono engage in a coaching session, where CG, a non-professional coach, showcases her active listening skills. This session highlights the importance of validation and reflective listening in resolving conflicts and understanding perspectives, emphasizing the need for external support and skill-building within communities for improved communication and relationships.
32:48 Dee and Jono's coaching call led to commitments to nurture equality through daily appreciation, shared responsibilities, and seeking peer coaching for equitable partnership strategies.
40:07 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership
