Exploration of evolving sexual dynamics in a marriage and the journey into non-monogamy and BDSM

A few years ago I read Terry Real’s book “Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.” He is a well established couple’s therapist and friends with a fair number of celebrities, with the forward written by Bruce Springsteen.

In one chapter he shares the story of two men, a “strikingly handsome couple” that were “killing each other (as they put it) over sex.” One man wanted it all the time, and the other virtually none of the time.He writes “as any good therapist would do, I draw from each of them not just their respective positions but also their interpretation, their narrative, of what sex means to each of them.”I asked myself the same question: what does sex mean to me?And I reflected on my previous and current relationships, and how my narrative may have shifted (or not) over time.

I released my inquiry on Instagram over five parts, which you can find (with pictures!) here: One, Two, Three, Four, Five.

And I decided to compile them all together in this post and release as a podcast episode.

It was a fascinating experience to reflect on, and may stir many things for you. But before you read on…

UPCOMING EVENTS & TRAININGS

In two weeks July 26-28 I’m holding my next in-person men’s immersion Awakening the Wild Erotic. We have four spots left, so if this calls to you: Apply Now.

In September we’re launching the next cohort of The Deep Masculine, a 12 week online archetypal exploration into the realms of eros, sex & masculinity. Men can an join from anywhere the world. Apply Here.

PART ONE

My first sexual experience with a woman was not intentional. I was 15, we were both intoxicated and she lead me into the bathroom at her friends house and proceeded before I knew what was happening. The encounter lasted seconds and I left confused and desiring to strike it from my memory.My first intentional sexual experience was with a middle school girlfriend. She was not a 'virgin' (a terrible construct fyi), and she had more experience. The encounter also lasted a short time before I ejaculated and reacted in a shame spiral that motivated me to literally leave the room, jump in my car and drive away.When I was able to calm down (or ‘auto-regulate’ as Jessica Fern details in her book Polysecure) I returned to my girlfriend's house to reconnect.Over time I began to enjoy sex, even though for the rest of my high school years it had to remain secret from our parents.The only “sex talk” I received from my father was about how many semen live in a teaspoon of sperm - and the likelihood of getting an STD (now of course, we call them STI’s). The sum total of the message being that sex would either 1) get a girl pregnant or 2) give me a disease.I don’t judge him for this, as it’s the story for so many youth. And I’m sure he received that much or even less as he crossed into puberty and his erotic life.What is the consequence of so many of us entering our sexual awakening with experiences of confusion, shame and trauma? And how might it be different?

PART TWO

At 26 I was married.Looking back it was a ludicrous decision to believe I was experienced enough to understand this massive lifelong commitment. This is a fate shared by most modern newlyweds bereft of true mentorship in love & relationships.In marriage, sex morphed into many things: the cultivation of pleasure, a way to co-regulate, and sometimes an expectation and a chore.Yet, if we went too long without sex, I would sometimes play a passive aggressive game: I would stop initiating entirely and wait to see if she would. This would show me whether she was “actually into it” and ideally show her how much I was carrying our sex life.It was easy to translate her lack of initiation or openness to my advances as rejection. Sex became more sparse and formulaic, as it often does into long term domestic relationships.Six years into the marriage, we shipwrecked on fertility challenges.This was also the time we discovered MDMA, Burning Man, orgy domes, and non-monogamy. For me, it was like landing on a remote island and living my whole life on the beach, thinking that was the entirety of the region to explore. Then suddenly discovering there was a vast archipelago of possibility that I hadn’t known existed.We began tentatively exploring the terrain.I’ll never forget when my wife kissed another man in front of me. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It was as if some fundamental truth about love & relationships had been shattered - that it was possible for my partner and I to share intimacy with others and remain in relationship.For me, there was no turning back. Yet for my wife, I was already racing too far ahead - and it was beyond her desire to follow me to the edges I wanted to explore.Erotic agreements were bent & broken on both sides.And a year later, we separated.

PART THREE

Heartbroken at the end of my marriage, I dove head long into the erotic underworld.I had lost the dream of the life I had, and I could see no merit in playing the role of “good boy” any longer.I committed to a polyamorous partnership with a woman who was the gateway to all the fantasies I longed to explore. BDSM & kink became the playground, and I revelled in the sensual freedom it represented.Sex became a way to push the edges of sensation, boundaries & convention. We exchanged the roles of domination & submission. It was a game we played continually, within our partnership & with lovers.If she had a sexual encounter with another, I would find my own to 'balance' the scales.Occasionally when either of us felt chosen over, feelings would be hurt and we weren’t very good and speaking vulnerably to each other about this.Still, I sought the edges of my desire with unrestrained attachment to "liberation."I realize now that too often my seeking of sex became about escaping feeling.If I felt rejected by my partner, I would find a lover that would open to me to reclaim an inner validation. I could “win” over the Feminine, animated by the legacy of grief that lingered from the feeling of betrayal at the end of my marriage.I'm proud of what we did accomplish - we co-created a plethora of beauty, yet I believe I was not able to provide the ongoing secure anchor that she desired - one reason why she took on another partner during our time together.Eventually, I stepped back, realizing I needed to excavate my own unconscious patterns around sex & intimacy.Running parallel to this reality was my experience of Tamera, the radical “free love” research project in Portugal.My time there would change me utterly.

PART FOUR

In 2015, I first landed in Tamera, the radical community in Portugal, to make a film on their insights in liberating love.For almost 40 years, they have lived on the premise “there can be no peace on earth as long as there is war in love.”It was there, alongside my collaborators John Wolfstone & Julia Maryanska, that we experienced a social field unlike any other. Their members are dedicated to unearthing the generational trauma that burdens so many love relationships within modern society, and work in deep solidarity amongst the genders to regenerate trust.I learned that they consider “eros” the primal life-force of the natural world, and while humans partake in this energy through sex, this force is far vaster than such a narrow channel permits.Eros lives through the burst of molten lava from the raging mountaintop and the grace of the rain that nourishes the soil. Co-founder Sabine Lichtenfels has said “All the universe is an erotic encounter” and I began to understand her.At Tamera, they cultivate the landscape as well as the “lovescape” of their community, creating ritual spaces for the exploration of 'contact' amongst each other. They even have a Temple of Love, held by the village wise women, who mentor Temple Priests & Priestesses in the art of the sexual healing for community members.In group processes like Forum, the deepest personal challenges & insights are brought to the light of the collective, as they understand every participant does the work for the entire social organism.During my time, I was blessed with multiple experiences of releasing sexual shame & conditioning I had inherited from a society that I now recognized to be dysfunctional in the extreme.I wept an ocean of tears.I danced for hours in the sacred grove.I offered my pleasure to the luminous Goddess.And I witnessed the intelligence of eros again and again.We titled our film The Village of Lovers.The hardest part was leaving the community and attempting to live the possibility at home.

PART FIVE

There’s a saying: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans.In 2017, I made a grand declaration on Facebook that for my next chapter I would become “solo-poly”: which means open to dating others but not seeking a committed partnership.Weeks later I met Asha, a woman whose radiant beauty & sparkling spirit enthralled me so completely, I must have been brushed by the tip of Eros’ arrow. I was compelled to explore our connection.The attraction was mutual and the passion immediate. Sex became a gateway to the purest realms of pleasure I had ever experienced. It wasn’t long before I was declaring my love and soon after that I wished for partnership.A reading from the Osho Zen tarot deck appeared to announce we would have a child together. As we sensed into the wild mystery of that path, it felt true. The current of life pulsed through our beings & we surrendered to the divine intelligence. Sex became our participation in the cosmic dance of existence.Three months later, she was pregnant.Suddenly, the sobering possibility of this life-altering consequence became apparent. We barely knew each other and inviting a child into our midst seemed a reckless proposition. In our high stakes contemplation we toggled between ending the pregnancy or proceeding with the birth, knowing there was grief in either decision.Ultimately, spirit moved us to say 'yes' and we were entrusted with our blessed boy.For my partner and I, stepping into this responsibility without the prerequisite time to build a foundation of trust was costly. Amidst the joy & connection, so have our ancestral, familial, and personal wounds triggered each other so effectively.And yet, I can now see the wisdom at work.Eros has the power to attract polarizing forces together for the function of healing. When two people are willing to hold each other with compassion & commitment within a foundation of trust - transformation is possible.Our sex becomes a sacred temple of alchemy.

Such a union of souls can light up the whole world.And we continue to listen for what's next...

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