How to Feel Better About Yourself
The Science of Happiness
The self-compassion letter exercise
Dacher explains the writing practice and René agrees to try a self-compassionate letter about shame.
Self-compassion reduces our feelings of shame and self-doubt. We explore a practice to help quiet our inner critic with kindness.
Summary: What does your inner critic sound like? Many of us carry echoes of past misunderstandings, pressures, or expectations. Voices that show up as shame, self-judgment, or the belief that we’re not doing enough. This episode explores a self-compassionate writing practice that helps interrupt those patterns by noticing how we talk to ourselves and learning to respond with more kindness.
How To Do This Practice:
- Choose something you feel ashamed about or critical of: Pick a moment or pattern that brings up self-blame, embarrassment, or disappointment. It doesn’t need to be huge, just something that regularly activates your inner critic.
- Describe the situation honestly and without judgment: Write down what happened and how it made you feel. Let the tone be neutral, like you’re simply acknowledging what’s true. No harsh labels, no minimizing.
- Imagine someone who loves you speaking to you: This could be a close friend, mentor, future self, or the voice you’d naturally use when comforting someone you care about. Let that tone guide the rest of the letter.
- Write to yourself with compassion, acceptance, and understanding: Recognize the difficulty, normalize the feelings, offer reassurance and warmth, acknowledge your strengths and intentions. Treat yourself the way you’d treat someone who came to you hurting.
- Reframe your struggle in a kinder, more accurate way: Gently question the harsh story you usually tell yourself. Identify what was actually happening beneath the shame— survival instincts, past patterns, symptoms, fear, or overwhelm. Offer yourself a more truthful, generous narrative.
- Set the letter aside then come back and read it: After a little time (an hour or a day), return to what you wrote. Notice how it feels to receive your own compassion. Let the warmth land. Over time, rereading and rewriting letters like this can shift your inner voice toward kindness and authenticity.
Scroll down for a transcription of this episode.
Today’s Guests:
RENÉ BROOKS is the creator of the blog Black Girl, Lost Keys. She draws on her personal experiences to coach and assist adults with ADHD.
Visit René’s Blog: https://blackgirllostkeys.com/
SERENA CHEN is the Chair of the Psychology department at UC Berkeley. Her research is focused on self-compassion, wellbeing, and social interaction.
Learn more about Serena and her work: https://tinyurl.com/mry3vx3v
Related The Science of Happiness episodes:
Why Compassion Requires Vulnerability: https://tinyurl.com/yxw4uhpf
Related Happiness Breaks:
Fierce Self-Compassion Break: https://tinyurl.com/yk9yzh9u
Tell us about your experience with this practice. Email us at happinesspod@berkeley.edu or follow on Instagram @HappinessPod.
Help us share The Science of Happiness! Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts and share this link with someone who might like the show: https://tinyurl.com/2p9h5aap
Transcription: https://tinyurl.com/et2spbbp
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