There are some tactics that really do work on this. The first one is to spell it out for them. You could remind the walnut tree your position, you could repeat your position and say, I already have told you where I stand. Your goal with empowered refusal is to give voice to your values,. And so if you feel empowered to do that, then you can't just back off when a walnut tree gets aggressive. A second strategy that I recommend is invoking a personal policy.
Vanessa Patrick: The Power of Saying No
Vanessa Patrick is the Associate Dean for Research, Executive Director of Doctoral Programs, a Bauer Professor of Marketing and lead faculty of the Executive Women in Leadership Program at the Bauer School of Business at the University of Houston. She has been recognized with a number of awards for both scholarship and teaching and was named one of the top 50 most productive marketing scholars worldwide by the DocSig of the American Marketing Association.
Vanessa was appointed as a Fulbright Specialist (2019-24) by the U.S. Department of State, Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs. She is a prominent scholar in her field and serves on editorial and policy boards of leading academic journals. She is currently an Associate Editor for the Journal of Marketing Research and the Journal of Marketing and she's the author of The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No That Puts You in Charge of Your Life*.
Most leaders know that it’s important to say no to requests that aren’t the right use of time and resources. But how do you navigate this when the other party is likely to respond in a difficult way? In this conversation, Vanessa and I explore the patterns of difficult askers and how we can do a better job of responding when we’re interacting with them.
Key Points
We all have both marigolds and walnut trees in our lives. Marigold protect and strengthen us - walnut trees crowd out our time and interfere.
Difficult askers often confront us with face-to-face requests, use their home court advantage, and insist on an immediate response.
Pushback is normal and expected. It’s helpful to view it as a hurdle to overcome vs. something to avoid. Either way, we will spend the energy.
Resentment is a helpful indicator that difficult askers are taking too much power. Establish personal polices that provide guidelines so you can proactively come back to values when considering requests.
It’s helpful to consider advance requests in the context of fulfilling the commitment immediately, otherwise we’ll continue to feel the pressure of resentment and
Resources Mentioned
The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No That Puts You in Charge of Your Life* by Vanessa Patrick
Interview Notes
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Related Episodes
How to Say No Without Saying No, with Lois Frankel (episode 471)
How to Speak Up, with Connson Locke (episode 546)
How to Help People Speak Truth to Power, with Megan Reitz (episode 597)
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