The Importance of Selflessness in Parenting

Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago.   Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.   I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!   I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?   The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.   The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.   This is advice about:

• How we see ourselves
• What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them
• How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'

  If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.  

Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when enrollment reopens in May 2026. Click the banner to learn more.       Other episodes referenced in this episode: 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE 085: White privilege in schools SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm   Jump to highlights 01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic 02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born 03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE 04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children 07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals 09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships 10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep 12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving 13:48 Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important 14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting 15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents 20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience 22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure 23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer 25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices 26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child 29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries 31:14 Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma 33:58 Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning 37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent 38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child 39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 41:56 How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community 43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership 47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting 48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting 52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process 53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently 55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership