How to Be a Better Initiator

I am really bad at initiating actually like real I get I wouldn't say like shame but like I get nervous so I'd say as I'm trying to get better I think just having sort of like those like explicit talks or even like text messages of just being like hey when you get here tonight can you just like take me as I am kind of thing. It's pretty hard for me to say no without feeling like oh fuck I don't want to hurt their feelings if that makes sense. Also I totally feel you on the kind of like mental physical like I'm very hung up in the physical. And I really like shoulders and arms of just like not like muscly but just like

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